Another Checkin' in Post

.. and another report that nothing special is happening :)  I really don't focus on losing weight anymore.  I focus on being healthy.  I focus on eating great food that is great for me.  On Sundays I hope my weight has gone down,but find it is going up and down - luckily the net at the end of the month is always down or this post would probably be very different, heh.

I tried to increase my calories when I started doing my walking exercise, but it hasn't really worked out.  I really like to be at 1400.  So screw it, that is where I will stay, and if I have my sugar free ice cream in the house, I'll have dessert which usually brings it up to 1600.

Any day now I will be down in onderland,which will be mentally significant, probably.  I have it down as my next major goal, but I am not sitting here on pins and needles waiting for it to happen.  I've been straddling 200-205 for 2 weeks or so.  I'll be posting a 1 year Healthiversary post on 3fc and copying it here which will include photos, so to be in the 100s for that will be pretty awesome

I don't have much else to report other than that.  Same ol', same ol'.

Rethinking my Plan

My body has decided that the major downhill roller coaster weight loss is at an end.  While I am sad to see it go, I am stopping the constant fretting about it here and now.  Writing things down has always helped me keep my mind on track though so this post is serving as my restructuring space.

Basically,  I have been going every other week with a loss, and then the loss being only 2-3 pounds.  That is fine, but I am restricting calories enough that this should not be happening and I should still be at 2 pounds (at least) a week.  This leaves me with only one conclusion: I have screwed up my metabolism and have been restricting too much.

I have decided to up my calories in an effort to battle this.  It's so counter-intuitive!  I found a very interesting read today that I am going to use as my guide.  In a nutshell, it states that your calories should not drop below your Resting Metabolic Rate (RMR) and that the calorie deficit should come from a combination of exercise, and the difference of your RMR and your BMR. 

So, I found my RMR to be 1610 calories by using an online calculator .  My BMR is roughly 2658 (which includes light exercise 3-5 days a week). So I should be at a deficit of 1048 per day which is 2 pounds a week.

I have been following an exercise regiment too now which is why I am using the "moderately active" BMR.  I walk  close to 14k steps a day total.  This includes my morning 10 minute walk, 2 fast paced 15 minute walks that conclude with a 4 flight of stair climb, and another 4 flight of stairs mid-day, and then a 20-30 minute walk with the doggies after work which I have been doing every other day, but really need to focus and get it done every day.

I read that 1 mile = 100 calories, and that's about 7 miles, so it looks like I am burning 700 calories just on my walks.  I think I easily burn an additional 300 calories naturally (digesting, temperature changes, desk work, chores etc) so the 1048 deficit sounds fairly accurate. 

I am going to give this new regiment 2 good months and we will see if I am down 16 pounds by the beginning of December (2 lbs a week for the 4 weeks).  If not, I will re-evaluate.

Checking in!

As I expected, I haven't really felt the burning desire to blog anything as nothing significant has happened this past month. 

I felt like I was stuck hovering at 222 lbs for 3 weeks there.  It was hard! But I knew I was on target.  I did take a weekend "off" and forced (LITERALLY FORCED) myself to heat 2000 calories on each day to do a kick-start to the old metabolism.  It must have worked as the scale finally registered 216.4 on my Sunday weigh-in.

I do feel a little guilty about my calorie counts the past few days (hence, this post to be honest).  I don't have an accurate count for Wednesday - Saturday, and then I knowingly went over my allotment on Monday.  It went something like this: Wednesday, out to lunch with work.  Thursday, out to dinner with friends. Friday, all day conference foods (luckily, healthy).  Saturday, order in sushi dinner.  Sunday on target.  Monday 1469.  I am supposed to be at 1290 for this weight to maintain the 2 pound a week loss.

Well, my decision is, since my body really likes 1400 calories, that is where I will remain, and I will work on getting 300 calorie deficit worth of exercise in per day.  And I have started exercising! I take my morning 10 minute dog walk, then during the day I take 2 15-minute walks that are partially hilled, followed by climbing 4 flights of stairs.  Plus I do another 4 flights at lunch.  AND I even started doing my 30 minute walk + short bursts of jogging.  OK I did that ONCE so far, but I am going to to do it today, I promise, and every day henceforth.

If only my legs would stop being so dang sore LOL

What a Difference a Year Makes

I cried a little.

click for the full size version

Also, the wedding pictures came back. I'm only in one and I don't really have a full body max-weight pre-picture for comparison, but these two will prolly get the point across:

August 2010, ~231 pounds

So, I'm looking much healthier! Horay!  I'll start putting more pictures up in the "progress pics" page now that I took the plunge with posting these photos.  Can't wait to see the differences in another year!

Another day, another NSV

Oh TOM, how I do despise you.  I had the crankies (bless the hubs for his unending patience), and I conquered the cramps (oh Advil, you are my friend), but there is just NOTHING to be done for the stupid water retention and weight gain that comes along with it.  Except ignore it!  So that's what I am doing.  I am not stepping on the stupid scale again this week. Sunday I will weigh myself as usual, but I'll be a monkey's uncle if I am going to pay any attention to the number. 

Unless it is down of course.  HA!!

Onto the good stuff.

When I started this journey, I was in a snug 26/28 jean - the largest size carried in-store at Lane Bryant (I actually didn't know that until recently).  On Saturday, I was antsy to accomplish something (TOM again.  Stupid jerk uterus /grumble) so I decided to go exchange the size 16/average jeans I bought 2 or so months ago (which were too tight at the time) in order to get a 16/petite since I didn't feel like hemming.  I didn't bother trying them on until I got home.  Guess what.  They FIT.  They fit with ROOM TO SPARE.  Not that I needed a belt or anything, but I could breath and I didn't feel like I painted on my pants for the day.  And size 16 is the smallest size they carry in-store.  In 7.5 months, I went from LB max size to LB minimum size. That is an awesome feeling.

I wore them to work on Monday and boy howdy did I get a lot of comments!  I have been pretty much in skirts almost exclusively lately and it hides the weight loss.  Wearing those jeans... I had to give the "this is what I am doing to lose weight" speech no less than THREE times.  First time was fun, after that it got a little repetitive.  Oh well.  The price I pay for being a success - she says while fanning herself and rolling her eyes.  (I kid :) )

I had an interesting reaction to this blog the other day.  For the most part, this is my "secret" blog that I keep very separate from the rest of my life.  I actually have 2 other blogs -  a cooking blog and a crafting blog.  I am fairly active in the crafting and gaming communities that I am a part of.  Plus, my whole family is pretty tech savvy.  Nobody knows about gift4myself though.  This is mainly because I am a pretty private person, and weight / health is such a personal matter to me.  Since I  have been a fatty my whole life and have been treated a certain way because of it, I  tend to hold things back out of fear of failure and straight up embarrassment - admitting I am fat in the first place always felt like admitting to failure.

I finally branched out a bit and gave this link to a friend, the first person I have done so with.   I did not expect to hear that this blog made her cry.  Her tears were for her own reasons, but, it's just shocking to hear that reaction.  I mean this blog to serve as motivation as other blogs have motivated me, and as a way for me to keep track of my own feelings and progress throughout the journey.  I told her I didn't know how to react.  I still don't know how to react and it's been days.  I guess I am glad on the one hand to have moved someone.  On the other, I made someone cry, and that doesn't make me feel good.  I guess I just need to think on it more

The Big Reveal: Here's How It Went...

Not as expected! I guess talking about your weight, even when it is very positive is a touchy subject and people don't want to say anything right away.  My husband predicted this. I was completely surprised.  So, in the order that I saw people, here are the reactions.

Sister in Law : Didn't say a word at first.  I got a hug and a kiss and a "so nice to see you".

Brother: was surfing and we met them at the beach.  I had to kind of crawl down a small rocky embankment so that was his first sighting of me.  When I got closer, his jaw - quite literally -  dropped.  This was the reaction I expected out of everybody.  He said something along the lines of, "oh my God.  You are such an inspiration!  How did you do this you look so wonderful!"   I got many hugs and he kept pushing me out and giving me the once over saying "I cant believe it!.. can you believe this?"  That's when I finally got the reaction out of the sister-in-law.  She started fawning over me too.  Total ego booster!

Step-Dad: never said anything.  We don't hang out or talk too much though, so this really isn't surprising.

Mom: Didn't say anything at first.  I have her very well trained not to mention anything about appearance to me.  She is excruciatingly nit-picky.  In the past, no matter how good I may have looked, she'd comment on the zit on my chin, or that my shoes didn't quite match my bag.  And this is especially true about my life-long weight issue.   But 5 minutes later she pulled me aside and said,  "I know you don't want to hear it, but you look AMAZING".  And then came things along the lines of "I'm so proud of you for taking care of yourself!" All weekend long she was looking at me up and down.  It was such a great and nice feeling.

Dad: I didn't see him until the wedding.  He was amazed.  And then I got grilled on how I did it ALL NIGHT LONG and he told me he was going to start what I was doing just as soon as he was done with his Master Cleanse (which I think is a completely terrible, horrible thing to do to your body).  When I got home he had sent an email, part of which read, " You where the big surprise, WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You go girl! I should do so well." I sent him a reply with info on a couple books and how he can figure out his daily caloric needs.

Uncle: This was the most heart warming response.  When I first saw him, he didn't say anything.  This was the father of the groom,  and he was quite busy being a social butterfly so I didn't see him again for a couple hours, at which point he pulled me aside.  He actually apologized for not saying something sooner because he was "overwhelmed by what he saw".  He asked me how I did it and I started explaining and he stopped me and said "You know what.  It doesn't matter.  You look healthy, and happy.  If you never lose another pound, or you lose 40 more, it doesn't matter.  You are amazing".  And he actually started tearing up.  He also commented that my husband was looking healthier since he was too thin before.  Ha!

Overall: when people asked me how I did it, I was so SO happy to be able to say very truthfully "I learned how to eat right".  For most people, this was enough, although they were all surprised that I wasn't following any diet in particular.  I was also surprised by how many people started offering me their weight loss advice / methods.  Uh hello - I've lost 101 pounds, pretty sure I know how to do it right.  Such a strange reactions to have.

In the end, I have been motivated to keep going.  I still have 80 pounds to go and have no intention of stopping now.  I have had my ego stroked, and my heart filled with joy seeing the people I love being proud of me and happier that I will be around longer.  I was definitely headed to an early death, and I think I am beyond that point now.

In the bad news section: no pictures!  I was hoping my mom still had pictures from November at my highest weight but she couldn't find them.  And there were only the professional photographers taking pictures of the event itself, so no after pictures either (although, I am going to ask for one picture that was all of teh cousins and our families; I want to have it framed).  Can you believe it?  I think I am going to have husband take some current pics (maybe even get dressed back up in the cute dress - which I ended up wearing as a skirt by the way - long story) just so I can have something to put up in the progress tab.

This has gotten way too long so I suppose I'll get a move on.  One last thing: I didn't calorie count all weekend.  But I weighed myself yesterday morning to see how I did.  I'm down another 3 pounds for a total of 104.4 loss.  YEEHAW

The Big Weekend!

This is the dress I am wearing this weekend:















(Cross posted from a 3fc post) Why is this a big deal you ask?   I haven't seen my family since November. I started my healthy living journey in January and didn't tell any of them about it. So, tomorrow when I walk into my moms house, she is going to see me 101.2 pounds less fat than the last time she saw me. And she has no idea.

I have been dreaming about this moment since the beginning. It has been a huge motivator for me to keep going - to see just how long I could keep quiet before next seeing anyone (and, by the way, I am going to a family wedding on Sunday, so it's my ENTIRE immediate as well as extended family and family friends I am going to be seeing for the first time).

When I get back, I hope I have pics so I can post progress pics section. The only pictures I have of me as max weight were taken in November by my mom, and I haven't wanted to ask her for them so I wouldn't clue her in. Plus, I will have the wedding photos as my current pics so it will be a good comparison.

I am nervous, and excited. And, despite that I know that 100 pound loss is huge and I AM proud, part of me is doubting my choice of dress as I feel like people will look at me and think, "she has lost a lot of weight, but she can't pull THAT off" - its a sleeveless number but its so cute.

I'm Still Going

When I started this whole gung-ho, let's get healthy business, it absolutely CONSUMED my every waking thought.  I needed this blog to have someone to talk to (you know what I mean).  I felt it was extremely important that I keep myself on track and thinking / dreaming about health and weighloss or I would fail miserable.

Here I am, exactly 7 months into the journey and 99 or so pounds down (I know I am retaining water right now as I have had a salt-tooth for the past week like you would not believe so I'm probably more like 102 down but that is not what the scale is telling me.  But I digress...).  I am a success.  A success with at least another year to go, but a success. I don't find myself obsessing over weight loss like I did in the beginning.  I can be much more lax about how I eat - which is not to say that I have diverged on my calories or how good I eat, what I mean is, it has become second nature.  I would no sooner over eat my calories as I would reach for a piece of cake.  I know how much I can take and how to prepare foods in such a way that at the end of the day, I am at about 1400 calories whether I count throughout the day or not.

The desire to "cheat" has never been present and still does not exist for me.  The closest I came was red velvet cupcakes mounded with cream cheese frosting that I almost gave into, but instead took a deep smell and had a piece of fruit. 

I am extremely proud of myself for my continued mindset.  On top of healthy eating becoming second nature to me, I am not as frustrated by seeing the very slow decline in weight.  I am averaging 2 pounds a week and a barely blinked an eye this week when I saw I was only down .2; I know my eating was spot on and next week will probably make up for the lack of a huge loss.

Now that I am not as obsessed witht he weight loss, I find myself getting into other things. I am back into gamign with the husband, and I am doing more with my art.  All in all good times.

This means I will probably be scantily updating this blog from here on out.  I am keeping the pages up to date (with weights and goals), and I will be posting progress pictures after this weekend's big reveal - going to see my family who have no idea that I have lost any weight, let alone 100 pounds.  Should be fun!  Chances are that will be blogged about as I predict its going to be an awesome NSV :)

Catch Up

This morning's weight: 237.4


I took a month off of blogging as you can see.  My weight loss has slowed to a crawl, but its at the healthy average of just under 2 lbs a week so I suppose I shouldn't complain too loudly.

I took an airplane this past weekend.  Last time I flew I needed a seat belt extender and my thighs KILLED me when I got off the plane due to being squished between those arm rests.  This time though, there was a good 3-4 inches of extra belt after I sorta tightened (there was enough to keep it loose!) and I easily lowered the tray.  I can't even begin to explain what an awesome freaking feeling that was.  I kept pointing it out to my husband, He is such an angel he got excited for me every time.

After my silly exercise debacle (see last entry) I haven't tried to do additional exercises at all apart from my doggie walks.  I will need to start that up soon (see me pep-talk myself here?  haha)

I changed my goal to 150 instead of 140.   I am a curvier person than 140 and I think that will be just too skinny for me.  150 is a nice round number, and it gives me 7 pounds of leeway to stay within normal BMI range.

I've gotten loads of clothes from Old Navy. I look like I invest in the place :)  Not even XL on everything, I have some large pieces. So crazy!

PATHETIC!

Let me just start this by saying, "I know, I know BABYSTEPS" and "start easy, and pace yourself".  Yadda yadda yadda.  So I am not *really* down on myself here.  This is just some tongue-in-cheek ranting about my [complete lack of] fitness and oh so wonderful first day of my new especially-designed easy-mode exercise program.

So I made an exercise plan over the past 2 weeks while I had a cold and couldn't start it yet.  I think the plan was pretty solid.  Morning walk with the dogs daily like I do every day (20 minutes); then after work, another 20 minute walk, then stretching (I have a great sheet printed out with like 20 stretches that gets your whole body).  3 days a week, I would do free weight (5 pounds) and floor exercises; I had 20 exercises printed out and ready to go.  The other 3 days I would use my awesome new "Bellydancing 101" DVD and start having some fun!  7th day would be rest and/or longer walk day with the pups.  Sounds solid, right?

So today began day 1 of this new great plan, let me give you my one word review on the state of my fitness: PATHETIC and maybe also LAUGHABLE.

This is what I managed to accomplish: Both walks, that's easy.  Broke out into an frakkin' sweat just doing the stretches.  I was hoping to do 1 set of 10 reps on each of the 20 exercises. I got through 10 exercises people.  TEN.  I couldn't even do 10 reps on all of them!  I could only do 5 push ups, and a couple of the upper arm exercises just killed me.  If hubby wasn't helping me keep form, I would have failed miserably on the forearm exercises too.  My muscles were twitching.  I was giggling like a loon at the seeming futility of the whole thing.

And so, I am back trackign a baby step.

New plan: 2 walks a day. 3 days a week, upper body free weight exercises (all 10 of them, yep).  3 days a week lower body floor exercise (the other 10).  7th day Bellydancing maybe, prolly just settle for the longer walks for now.

Exercise? It's time.

What a nice surprise to have a big week!  Of course, I will still under par for the month as a whole - but again, still ahead of the game with a 10 pound loss!

I felt so good about the weight loss that I did what I told myself I wouldn't do - I went clothes shopping, at Old Navy no less.  Not only did I fit into their shirts and skirts and sundresses, I don't even wear the largest size. WHAT?!!  SO awesome.  I almost started crying as I was trying on the clothes from a normy store :)  Their jeans are a joke though. I couldn't even get the 20s over my thighs.  Maybe it is my thighs that are the joke...  I also cleaned out my closet further.  I have 2 big bags to take to the Good Will, plus a couple of coats.  That is one thing I still need to go get - new sweaters and jackets.  I am swimming in all of my old warm gear.

I had a dream this weekend (the second time I had the same dream actually) that when I visited my family, they saw no difference in weight loss and didn't mention it. It was really a stressful and sad dream.  I guess I am more pumped then I thought about my grand unveiling in August to a group of people that don't even know I am "dieting".

I caught myself driving with my foot up on the seat in front of me yesterday.  That is the way I always used to drive cos it is comfy. I don't know when I stopped doing that - I guess why my tummy got too big to allow room to do that.  But it was natural and comfortable when I did it this weekend.

I am gearing up for increasing my exercise.  I've already increased my morning walks.  I am adding afternoon walks (same length) which hubby has agreed to come on with me which will be my warm-up.  Then stretching - I have a nice sheet printed out which has about 15 stretches to do.  I bought 5 pound free weights, and have picked 15 or so exercise to do which will be my routine 3 days a week.  On the other 3 days, I bought a belly dancing DVD to start doing.  And then 1 day of rest / free choice (maybe longer walks for the doggies) As soon as this damn cold is over, that is.  Nine days and counting. Lame.

So why Belly dancing?  I don't know how I found it - I think it was an accidental click on youtube - but OMG I am in LOOOOVE with belly dancing, and how sexy and gorgeous the moves are.  And there is all this fusion belly dancing that is so amazing to watch.  I know I will never be able to move like these women, but seriously, endeavoring to try looks like so much fun!  Some links as examples: Sadie (traditional)  Rachel Brice (tribal fusion) Another Brice Industrial-fusion I could watch these videos all day.

The Inevitble Slow Down

Three weeks in a row of 2 pound loss.  I want to boo and hiss and stomp my feet.  My loss has been a heroic 15 pounds a month for the last 5 months running so this is a let down.  However, my brain is telling me that this is the way it should have been all along.  They say that 8 pounds a month is really the maximum that should be lost per month. So I suppose that I should be grateful that I might be at max.  It does offset my mighty hopes of being 100 down by the time I go on vacation in July.  Still might be 100 down by  the time I see my family for the first time since changing my eating habits, though! they have no idea I have even lost any weight so I am quite looking forward to the reactions.

And in any case, I am down 3 sizes, my skin looks effing great, and I've lost 3 bra sizes across the back(and realized my cup size is actually 3 times BIGGER than what I have been wearing).  Too much to be happy about to let a silly change in loss of rate get me down or lead me astray.

Defying the Odds

This is another post that is a direct copy from my response on the 3fc boards (although I may flesh it out later as there are some thoughts here I'd like to think more about).

A question was posted "what motivates you do keep fighting to 'defy the odds'?" regarding regaining plus more once you lose all the weight.  This was my response:
_______________


For me (and I hope that when I get to the point of maintenance my mindset remains), I don't look at what I am doing right now as only dieting, because that something that isn't forever, ergo it is something that can be stopped (which would lead to weight gain). Yes, right now I am very strictly counting calories, but in doing so I am learning appropriate portion sizes, and learning which food is high calorie, vs. what I can get away with eating a lot of. I am rethinking food, what food means to me, how much I need to eat vs how much (and what) I just WANT to eat.

I think I was brought up in a household - and society -that looks at food as more than sustenance.  My entire family turns to food comfort, to ease boredom, and as a source of entertainment. I was never taught that "you are what you eat".

Additionally, I had no idea that all those skinny people that you see stuffing their faces will eat light the next few days and maybe exercise more to make up for the splurge. This was a revelation! I thought that everyone stuffed face day in and day out, like I did since that was all I ever saw. I thought I was broken and hence never really tried to lose weight as I figured it was a lost cause.

So, with all of this in mind (and I realize this was a completely circuitous response to the original query) the way I am going to defy the odds is that I am going to use my noggin with all this knowledge I now have and I am not going to let the bad habits I was raised with get in the way of what I intellectually know is just plain wrong.

Random NSV catch-up

I had a "bad" loss last week, only -1.6, which I know is dreamy to most people, but I have been having such a great rate of weight loss that this smaller loss makes me feel funny.  Add that to a change in my thyroid meds (it looks like I have been taking too much since January, which probably accounts for the higher rate of loss, and now that it has been adjusted, my losses will probably be smaller from here out BOO).

So, with that in mind and as a way to keep me on track, here is a list of recent NSVs!  (Some of which I am going to be really non-descriptive about as it is really personal and more for me to remember, ha!):

• I can cross my legs, albeit I do have to use my leg muscles to hold it there.  I can put my foot on my knee though, both sitting and standing!
• Doc informed me on Monday I am not diabetic anymore as of 4/28/10. This is HUGE
• While in the shower, I can reach places I couldn't (easily, and without acrobatics anyway...) before
• More fun husband-y things have become available.  weeeeeeee
• I got a size 14 skirt! And wore it to work yesterday!  It has an elastic waistband, but whatevs.
• My 18/20 jeans are getting loose in the thighs and waist.  Not time to trade down yet, but I'm getting there
• Been getting some more compliments lately.
• Above skirt was from Target, and still in the woman's section, but the smallest size in the woman's section.
• Last night I had my arm resting on my hips when laying on my side and I felt my hip bone.  CRAZY
• I can trim my toenails without having to hold my breath while sitting at a crazy angle and sort of approach the toes from the side and hope I get a straight cut
• My wedding band is getting super loose.  Ive caught it in the middle of my finger once or twice now.  Gotta be careful.
• My Uggs are no long cutting off the circulation in my calves. They are actually loose on them and I have been wearing them more.  And I can walk in them all day long and not have sore feet
• Not having sore feet in general, for me, is amazing considering I have had bad feet for FOREVER
• I'm catching men looking at me now, and not with the curiosity of someone looking at a circus freak.  There is attraction there.
• Had to get rid of some more clothes that are simply too big to wear in public.  My favorite jammie bottoms are about to be lost forever.  I will miss them.  Shopping time soon! I'm still waiting for the July trip though to make wardrobe purchases.

I suppose that is enough for now.  Good stuff to reflect on when the stupid scale is slower than optimal.
 

Changing Body Image

I feel like I am not obsessing on the weight loss so much these days.  I think this is a a really positive turn of events.  The last 4+ months I have been thinking my body and numbers on the scale almost constantly.  I have also stopped thinking about food ALL the effing time.  It has always been the case with me that if I was not actively eating, I was thinking about what I could eat next.  With my lifestyle change, I was still thinking about food all the time, just healthier food, what I was going to make, and did I have enough healthy alternatives in the house to make sure that if I got the munchies I would be taken care of.

I havn't even been bothering getting on the scale more then 2-3 times a week lately, whereas I was on that stupid thing at least once a day at the beginning.  Good stuff!

I am starting to have body image issues though.  Don't scoff! I have been morbidly obese my entire adult life and I came to a very comfortable place with myself with the "I am who I am" approach and when I looked at the mirror, I didn't see a fatty, I just saw me and didn't think about the rolls of flesh.  When I look at the mirror now, all I see is the roll of flab around my middle, and the dropping pockets of fat at my inner thigh, and how fraking big my upper arms are.  I miss my innocent self that could look in the mirror and just say, "hey there is me!" and instead says "Jupiter's cock! you are so fat still and you have lost 72 pounds!".  Sad. 

I was talking to a woman in my office (one of my biggest supporters in this journey actually.  Between my two office mates who are also watching their figures, and all the folks at 3fc I have the raddest support system) about clothes. I am close to needing the next size down again.  I am going to try to wait until July when I go out of town.  I am guessing I will firmly be in the next size down then and I can splurge and buy a few nice outfits.  

Anyway, office mate and I were discussing Good Will as an option and I expressed my concern that I didn't think Good Will would have a decent variety of plus sized clothing.  She looked at me funny and informed me that when I am one more size down, I am no longer going to be plus sized.  Why this struck me as so crazy, I don't know, but it did, and it does.  Where the hell am I going to shop! I've been in exclusively Lane Bryant and Torrid for 10+ YEARS.  I checked Old Navy and apparently their XL is actually size 18-20 which is what I am moving out of.  Going to shop at different stores seems really scary to me.  I can't wrap my head around it.  Am I ridiculous?  My little safety bubble (of fat, as it were) is slowly being honed away and I feel at a loss.

Another Day

The cold spell has snapped.  I think.  That or I am learning my lesson about keeping my scarf on at all times and consuming copious amounts of hot tea.  It is also TOM and I have noticed I have not been as cold since the day that started.  Maybe that is responsbile for my warmth. Another day or two and I will be able to tell if that has anythign to do with it.

I was supposed to go get my blood tested today for lots of things including but not limited to: blood sugar levels, Vitamin D deficiency, thyroid hormones, cholesterol and who knows what else.  All I know is there were were no less than 15 check marks on the order form.  But, said order form is at home (I hope) so tomorrow will be another morning fast without my black tea to wake me up on my drive in.  Bad news, that.  And then on Friday is an MRI to look at my liver tumors (benign, and discovered over 4 years ago) which are probably related to estrogen.  I have been on progesterone only birth control since then so at the very least, I hope they haven't grown and I am hoping to see diminished size.  I also have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease.  With a 69 pound weight loss so far, I'm really hoping this is starting to fade as well.

So sex is getting better.  It was always awesome, but its really fun to be able to do stuff and reach stuff easily that previously needed fat-acrobatics to accomplish.  And while that is as far as I am going into details with this, I will add that health reasons aside, the sex is reason enough to drop some weight.  Also, I love my husband.  A lot.

I am starting to see changes in my face with my own eyes too.  I haven't really seen any body changes although my clothes and people tell me that there are big differences.  When I see them with my own eyes is when it "counts"  so seeing it has given me a super positive attitude the last few days. 

My attitude goes up and down.  Sometimes "only" losing 12 pounds a month makes me really sad and I have to talk myself out of being angry with myself.  "It took 36 years to get to 332, give yourself some time to get down to a reasonable level," says I to me.  I've only had that happen a couple of times really. I don't like it. 

I also really really wanted to be down 100 by the time we go to Boise on July 9, but there is no way that is going to happen.  I am 262 now,  I'll probably be 261 by Sunday (260 if I am lucky) and figuring 12 pounds in May and June, that's only down to 236 which leaves 9 days to lose 4 pounds and be able to claim the mighty 100. I know it is only numbers on a scale, but it is a fun goal to think about.  I won't be upset with myself if it doesn't happen since I am being 100% faithful to my change in eating habits. My body is dictating the pace, the rate (or lack thereof) of loss is not some misguided attempt of mine to pass off cheating as  "plateaus" like so many others do.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I have been so frakkin' cold lately.  Right now, I am in my office with silk thermals on under my t-shirt and jeans, and a sweater on, drinking hot tea, and I am still totally uncomfortable.  I see other people on 3fc are posting some of the same stuff right now (weird coincidence) but it is in the thread that I have sworn myself off from until I reach the 100 lb mark so I can't/won't comment there.

I have been dreading the heat of the summer visit to Boise, but with my level of brrrrrrrr lately, I can't wait.  I feel like I am living in the twilight zone even saying that. Weird weird weird.

I didn't bother weighing myself yesterday morning.  I did weigh in this morning, but as expected, it was higher then my Sunday afternoon weigh in.  I don't know why I even bother KNOWING that my weight will not really register much of a loss until Sunday.  Makes me feel OCD.

So I am wearing my newest not-as-fat jeans today.  A Lane Bryant right-fit size 4. I have been trying to find "real" size equivalents and have not had much luck.  All I know is that I was in 7s that were getting on the snug side, and they only go up to 8 in store and they only carry up to size 32 in the stores.  So my best guess is that these are 18/20 or 20.  I'm also wearing a loose 18/20 t-shirt with my thermal underneath.  Who needs a scale when you have clothes that fit in extraordinary ways :)

Repost of a Letter

I was asked today via a very nice  PM on the 3fc boards how I was doing so well on losing weight.  I took some time and wrote out some thoughts I have been having knocking about and haven't put anywhere else.  Since I am lazy as all get out, I am doing a cut 'n' paste job here :)
---

What isn't in the blog is that I don't "cheat". At all.  I haven't been tempted even.  When I decided to lose this weight, I went for it 100%.  I don't see the point of doing all of this work but then allowing slips when it is inconvenient for me to stay on my plan.  I started calling this my "sheer force of will diet plan" and I guess that that is how it is turning out.

I think that two of the HUGE reasons that this is really working for me is two-fold (besides not cheating) and that is 1) there is no refined sugar in my diet anymore and 2) I took processed flour products and other refined and starchy carbs out of my diet [ie, plain potatoes and white rice].

The sugar bit is really important; there are tons of studies about sugar in general and about High Fructose Corn Syrup in particular out there that are proving without a shadow of a doubt that they don't burn in the body the same way that other sugars burn.  In essence (and I'm making up the numbers here) 5 calories of HFCS is more like 10 calories.  On top of that, it makes you hungrier!

Sadly, HFCS is in almost everything these days [my husband got a box of mac n cheese and the second freakin' ingredient was HFCS -crazy!].  The fact that I don't eat processed foods (other than yogurt, cottage cheese, cheese, and diet soda) helps me to stay away from it without having to read any labels.

In 2009 I gave up 95% of my sugar intake with the exception of special occasions. In 2009 I gained about 20 pounds.  I looked back and I realized I was replacing sugar in bloodstream with carbs from bread.  When I made that realization, I decided that I had an addiction to the blood-sugar high, so quitting cold turkey was the only way I was going to be able to do this, which is the same way I quit a 16 year smoking habit back in 05. 

Bread is the hardest part for me still.  I have a place I order whole grain, sprouted seed super nutrient loaves of bread from.  I have it very sparingly, but I don't deny it to myself when I have a bread craving coming on.  I think I have been going through 1 small loaf every 2.5 weeks.

That is another way that I don't cheat: I feed all my cravings, in a HEALTHY and REASONABLE way.  When I have a sweet tooth, I make my Banana Nice Cream (I'll add the recipe in a bit so you can have it; it will be under sweet treats), or have a bowl of strawberries with Stevia sweetener drizzled with 1 tablespoon of almond or coconut butter.  If I am crazy freaking hungry and want to eat the whole house, I will make a HUGENORMOUS pot of soup (really easy broth/water/collard greens/lemon/garlic mix) which is mega super tasty, and makes my stomach just ache with how full I can get for 150 calories.  

I get full on veggies; you can eat A LOT of veggies and stay within a set calorie range.  I limit my meat (4 oz or less a day, if I have it at all), fats (less than 7grams when cooking), and grains (usually 1/2 a portion instead of a full portion, or I will skip a few days of grains) to a small percentage of my overall meals (except breakfast where I always have my oatmeal nomnomnom).

Finally, I love to cook, I am good at it, and I have the time to do so.  This would be a lot harder (but not impossible) if that wasn't the case.  But even on limited time you can make healthy choices.

This morning's weight: 272.4

The scale hasn't looked like it has moved at ALL this week.  Sunday I was 272.2 and there I have remained.  Anyone who reads my entries, and anyone who is trying to lose weight themselves know, that this drives me INSANE.  I guess I will just have to wait until Sunday for my normal weigh in time and see if I lost anything this week. 

For the record, I still have not cheated at all on my diet plan.  My calories this week have been spot on (S 1242;  M 1719; T 1491; W 1479; TH 1539 [although looking at it now, running about 100 claories higher a day then I have been in the past - that will be rectified]),even with my having TWO tablespoons of cashew butter on my Banana Nice Cream and Strawberry Sundae last night (happy to give the recipe to anyone who asks.. sugar free, and only 250 calories).

Maybe my sodium has been high this week. I have been nomming on baba ghanoush and hummus, which I made with a fair bit of salt.

In any case, I am headed out after work to go buy some smaller clothes.  I am clearly in the 18/20 size now, and some of that is loose.  Which means even my underpants aren't fitting anymore.  And I need smaller bras.  And I need to get something I can start taking longer walks in.  I am starting to really feel like it is time to start exercising more.  I have a restlessness in me like I need to be moving.  I've order new sneakers for walking.  I am still deciding if I want to get some free weights or a Wii or just walk and start doing chores as exercise.  I hate the idea of wasting so much time in just exercising. I want to be accomplishing something too.  I wonder if there are suggestions for using cleaning as a workout...  (Huh.. it turns out there are)

OK now I have forgotten where I was going with this post. I just got distracted for 45 minutes watching zit popping videos on YouTube. 

In any case: another successful week at least on an intellectual level.  Lets hope the scale says as much Sunday morning!

Keeping Score

This morning's weight: 275.4

Well, the new jeans I just bought are too big (she says with foolish glee).  I knew they were kind of loose when I got them, but the next size down were too tight for comfort to wear and sit at work all day.  I think I will hem them this weekend and just live with it. Walking around in sagging drawers is ridiculous.

I don't have much else to report, honestly.  I haven't strayed from my awesome eating habits - although the goopey cheese dripping off of the husbands pizza last night did give me pause - how could it not.  But then my intelligence kicked in and I started thinking about all the additives and how those crafty bastards are trying to get our money by loading up their food with stuff that the primitive parts of our brain desire, and I refuse to play into their tricks.  So, brain prevailed. 

Common sense: 1 ; Money grubbing "food" processing plants : 0

I hate it when the scale doesn't move, but I try not to dwell on it.  I know I am losing.  I know that I am probably 2-3 lbs lighter if I were to weigh in a little later in the morning like I do on official days.  I feel terrific, my skin on my face feels amazing, and my hair is looking fan-fucking-tastic.  Then Why oh why do those stupid blue numbers make me feel so bad!!?!  Stupid scale.

Common Sense: 0; Scale: 1

One of my little gifts to myself when I reach the 100 lb mark is going to be posting in the 100 Pound Club at 3fc.  The 300+ club is great and people there know what I am going through, but I  think the other forum is more what I am looking for.  But, I am giving myself a goal prize and will resist the temptation to post until then, which is probably 3-4 months down the road.  That's ok :)

Alrighty then.

Not-as-Fat Jeans

I love my husband.  He is so funny.  I have shrunk out of my size 22/24 jeans at this point, and really need to go get some 18/20s (that will be a second size down!).  I have said it out loud to him probably 5 times now over the last 2 weeks.  He keeps encouraging  me to go and even reminding me to go take care of it when I don't mention it, but for some reason, I keep putting it off.  Today, I said it AGAIN, and his response was., "hurry up and go get your not-as-fat jeans".

I lost it.

I was laughing like a loon. The people around us probably thought I was touched.  He explained that if he called them my 'skinny jeans', I would take issue with it (I keep taking issue with him telling me I am looking skinny.  I still weigh 280ish pounds dear, there is nothing skinny about me...) but I am loving the "not-as-fat" nomenclature.

In another news, TOM arrived, and a mere 9 days late at that. SO annoying.  I am a little grumpy what with the cramps, but that does explain the scale being 2 pounds up (I knew that damn 277 was a lie...).  I guess the positive side of that is I don't need a new scale.

I am about to edit my "goals" page to and add a new "by date" goal chart that I will update when things change.  I am going to keep the original one in tact, but since I am about 20 pounds ahead of that chart, it would nice to keep an updated one to refer to.

Oh and also I think I have made the brave decision to make a new "one time" goal (menaing, I will get to it once, then gain back up to my current goal).  I think I want to get down to 132 so I can say I lost 200 pounds. How cool would that be?  I think 140 is probably a healthier weight, but 132 is still in the "normal" range.  I think I may be too naturally muscular to really make that happen.  Maybe I should make it a bonus goal and worry about it later.  That sounds much more sane...

I made a nice post today about my journey to being sugar-free on 3fc today.  Instead of pasting the whole post here, I'll just link to the post itself.

That was a lot of disconnected thoughts shoved into one post.  Sorry reader!

Energy

This morning's weight: 277.8

ENERGY! I have so much of it! I love it.  On weekends, I have historically been very very lazy, taking multiple naps, sleeping in late, what have you.  This weekend I accomplished and did so much, it's ridiculous!

I already listed my Saturday morning.  Saturday afternoon we took the dogs for a second walk then went to Target to get a couple if items (and to get out of the house so the cleaners could do their thang).  When we got home, I attempted to make vegetable chips (failed, by the way.  I need to watch the oven better), made my week's tabuleh, made some salmon and asparagus for dinner, and cleaned the kitchen up. 

Sunday, I did round 2 of dishes (I made an almighty mess the night before),  3 or so loads of laundry, cleaned up the front AND back patio (sweeping, small amount of weeding and pruning back of the outrageous lilies, poop patrol, picking up dead leaves, throwing out unused stuff, planning, the usual), took pictures of some unwanted items and got them posted up on freecycle, and then dealt with the downpour of emails that came in, we finally hung the 5 Firefly posters in the computer room, I made my weekly veggie broth, a spicy slaw, reheated dinner, made the husband some quesadillas, and I made banana "ice cream" for desert.

Full days! I loved it.  I loved it because I had the desire to get stuff done, the energy to do it all, and I didn't quit working on anything due to being tired as I didn't get tired.  I broke a bit of a sweat doing all the sweeping and pruning so I got exercise to boot.

I had a nice bonus ego boost this morning - my co-worker's husband saw me this morning for the first time since December, before I started this journey. He called her earlier and was telling her how much weight it looks like I lost. 

I love hearing it from others because I don't see it on myself.  I feel like my clothes are getting bigger, not me shrinking as I look exactly the same (in my head anyway) as I did 55 pounds ago.

I Need a New Scale

This morning's weight: 277.8

Yesterday I thought the scale was broken.  Today I know it is.  I cannot have lost 7 pounds in one week.   I eat too much for that, plain and simple.  I stepped on my old - also broken with an obvious crack down the whole thing- non digital scale which had me at 275, so that was no help at all.

I know tomorrow or the next day the weight is going to shoot back up into the reasonable low 280s and I hope that doesn't bum me out (this has now become a letter to my future self) but reading a loss of this magnitude just doesn't make sense and I don't think it is very healthy.

I'm off to make oatmeal~ nomonomnom

Busy Morning

This morning's weight: 280.4

OK my scale is a nut.  There is no way in this universe or the next that 2 frakking pounds got "lost" in the last 24 hours.  I got on this scale this morning and it read 280.4.  I stepped off. I stepped back on.  280.4.  Off and on.  Four times.  I am not changing my ticker to reflect it.  I don't believe it.  Tomorrow morning for my official weigh in time I will update the ticker to whatever it says, but right now, I am just too skeptical.

I have had a full day already and it is only 10:30am.  I woke up at 7 and had to pee like a racehorse, (as it were.  This is what happens when you drink loads and loads of water) but when I lay back down I couldn't get back to sleep.  I got up, got dressed, took the dogs and myself for a brisk 20 minute walk.  Came back and cleaned the whole kitchen, picked up the living room, did a load of laundry.  Then I went to the farmers market, and the grocery to pick up more "out of season" produce (I need my weekend banana's darn it!).  Put every thing away - and realized I have enough produce to open my own stand.  Plans are in the works for Tabuleh, and a slaw, and raosted veggies for sandwiches, and a variety of veggie chips! - and then I made my awesome morning oatmeal. 

Today I am having:  banana, kiwi, and strawberry topped with coconut butter along with a steaming mug of Coconut Chai black tea, which I also just picked up.  SO GOOD. I am in heaven right now.  Observe:

I am trying to quit ingesting artificial sweeteners,  I don't think I can go cold turkey, but I am making steps towards it.  I used Stevia in my oatmeal and tea.  I just don't know about giving up my diet sodas yet.  They are like desert to me now.  On the other hand, my palette is so clean at this point, that an apple last night was on the verge of being too sweet for me.  How weird is that?  4 months ago I could eat half a Tres Leches cake (and then lick up extra caramel...) no problem.  Now an apple is too sweet?  I am loving the change, it is just really hard to wrap my head around.

Today I am going to buy a Brita water filter thingy that fits over the kitchen faucet.  This way, there is always filtered water downstairs, and I can bring the pitcher we already have upstairs so I can just fill it in the bathroom and not have to run downstairs 10 times a day to refill my bottle.  I think this will help 1) with The Great Water Experiment and 2) with getting me off the soda.  If I have readily available water, I'll drink it and not wish I had something else.

I hope.

Cha Cha Cha Changes

This morning's weight: 282.8

12.8 ounces from losing 50 lbs in 11 weeks ... WHAT?!  Just makes me wish I had started this sooner.

It is ( I feel the signs and the date is right but no show yet) TOM week.  This is the only times I ever get cravings for my "old" foods.  I really really want a huge deli sandwich from Columbo's.  Alas, my Colombo days are over.  I might try to make myself a mini-uber veggie sandwich this weekend though.  I think I can pull it off and get the satisfaction without the bad food and calories.

The Great Water Experiment has turned out pretty darn good. I'm peeing loads.  I have seen weight loss every day instead of the scale going up and down.  I think my skin isn't as dry (tough call on that one since my seasonal itchies have started).

My mood is terrific. I am feelign great. I dunno, everything seems to be going my way.  I am just realizing that 6 months ago the paranoid part of me would think, "oh man, something bad is bound to happen any time now".  I think the Vitamin D regiment is working wonders on my brain chemistry. Or maybe it is the nutrition?  I don't know, but the negative, depressed, paranoid aspects of my brain haven't been in effect for some time now.  I don't know what to attribute it to, but I like it!  I hope it doesn't ever go away.  I like being happy all the time.  This is the way I used to be when I was in my late teens.  I remember Marsha saying to me "I wish I could bottle you up like sunshine! Bottled Brandee..."  Was one of the nicest compliments I have ever gotten.

As far as Non-Scale Victories -  so many to report!  Sadly, I think I get all my daily crowing out on 3fc, and this blog is suffering for it.  The record of my progress is really taking place over there instead of here on this blog.  I think I will try to make a more concentrated effort to write here.  I really want to have my whole journey down so I can look back on it, and give it to my family to read to see what I went through.

Here are some of the NSV's I've noticed lately:

• I can feel my wrist bones without having to squeeze.
• I was able to bend forward to clip my toenails without having to hold my breath due to the pressure of my stomach squeezing my diaphragm
• My towels fit all the way around me now (they are extra large bath towels, but whatever!)
• My pretty shiny flower shirt fits LOOSELY instead of too tight to wear oooh snap
• I am currently wearing silk thermals that were too tight not long ago
• My 22/24 jeans that I had to buy last month are starting to be too loose already
• I notice a difference in my face when comparing the face shots I have been taking (that will be a gif someday)
• My hair is looking smashing - shiny, silky, and more lively color to it
• I have loads more energy.
• This morning I was able to get my foot (briefly) on my knee to get my show on instead of having to use the edge of the couch.
• I don't almost fall over when getting undies on.

Crazy good things happening to me.

Change up

This morning's weight: 284.6

Even though I lost 3 lbs last week, I felt like I was stalling.  Probably not a healthy attitude, but it is what it is.  In fact, all week long, there was 0 change.  I only saw the change when I did my 11am pre-breakfast weigh-in on Sunday, my "official" time.

In any case, I decided that I am going to do one 1800 calorie day and one 1200 calorie day (probably Saturday and Sunday) just to keep my metabolism guessing.  Which means I get mega awesome oatmeal with double the almond/casher/coconut butter on that day.  Yes, I love it that much.  If I didn't have will of steel these days, I would have blown my diet on nut butters by now.

Speaking of will of steel, on Sunday morning, I made my hubby homemade buttermilk biscuits, and fresh sausage gravy in order to make him one of his old favorites from the dive/truck stop he worked at as a kid:  2 open faced biscuits, with 4 sausage patties, topped with scrambled eggs, and doused in sausage gravy.  I never tasted the biscuits but he tells me they turned out great.  In order to get the seasoning right on the gravy, I tasted 3 times; the first two I spit out in the sink as it wasn't right.  The third taste seemed like I had it right, but you really have to swallow to get the full tongue feel when tasting, so I swallowed that one and it was fantastic.

But that is all I had of the magnificent, terrible bad for you, feast I made.  One swallow that was probably less than 1/8 of a teaspoon.  And then I made myself some gooooood oatmeal with fresh blackberries, and banana, and almond butter.  To die for!

Happy Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy

This morning's weight: 287 or something

The whole fluctuating scale business is soooo annoying.  I want to just not look at the scale at all.  My clothes are getting really loose on me so I know stuff is happening (and another person in my office actually noticed the weight loss yesterday, which is awesome), but I love my ridiculously long goal list and sadly those are mostly scale based goals.

Onto more positive things.  I swear to Cthulu, I have never had this much general well being consecutively in my entire life.  I don't know what to attribute it to.  It must just be a mix of everything: my body physically feels better, I am eating nutrient dense food, I have removed foods that act badly on my system, my energy is through the roof so I am getting things done, and I am sleeping like a champ, and my husband is so kind and downright gorgeous and even after 4 years, I feel like a teenager around him (but that has never changed since the day I met him, just thought I would throw it in there).

My Scale is a Stupid Jerk

This morning's weight: 288.2?  286.1?? 284?!?!

OK seriously, this is ridiculous and frustrating. 

I weigh myself once a day, right when I wake up and in the buff (by the way, it's totally awesome being downstairs where the scale is, at 5:25am, in the dark, and then letting all my stuff flop about in the freezing cold.  I recommend!). 

Not long after I decided that this was the good time for me to weigh in, I started making my weekly "official weigh in" to be on Sunday mornings before breakfast.  This is the weight I record at 3FC and on my weight tracking page.  I began to see a pattern very quickly that my weekend weight was significantly different from my Friday - usually a loss of 2 pounds.  The more I paid attention, it became really clear that my body digests (or something metabolic anyway) as the day progresses and I haven't eaten. I weigh 2-4 pounds less a couple hours into the morning than straight out of bed. So, as long as I continued to weigh in at about the same time on the weekends, I should see an accurate weekly loss.

Every day this week I have been losing a few ounces a day according to the 5:30 weigh in, eeking down to a 2 pound loss this week.  Friday I was at 288.6.  Saturday I woke up late (as I do on weekends) and I saw the expected lower-than-average loss I expected, and was at 286.2.  I didn't write it down or record it, as I thought that was a little low and thought to myself, "self, you should just wait until tomorrow for the big celebration of a 4 pound loss".

So this morning my lovely doggies got me up ever so pleasantly, one with a paw to the kidney (which was full mind you) and the other with a wet tongue right in the corner of the eye (hey, at least I didn't have to bother wiping out eye-boogers) at 9am, earlier than my usual Sundays where I get to be in bed until 10 and sometimes 11 even.  I remember it is weigh in morning, and pop downstairs to look at the scale! And! 288.2.  W. T. F.

So I trudge back up and record it everywhere.  Happy for a 2 pound loss, sad it wasn't going to be 4 like I was teased yesterday.  Anyway, I do some posting, and some photoshopping, and getting Etsy auctions up when I finally realize it is 11 and I haven't eaten. On the way to the kitchen, I hit the scale just to be sure I really got the right number.

The damn thing reads 284.

I give up.

Just Another Fish in the Sea

This morning's weight: 290

As it turns out, I am 1) not alone in the blogosphere and 2) I am awash in a sea of like-minded people.  I made this blog for myself as motivation and to keep track of my journey while being publicly accountable to  my huge, invisible, non-existent audience.  Today, I found about a bazillion other bloggers that are doing the same thing in just about the same way.   And so I subscribed to a good handful - 'cos FSM knows I need more distractions and things to read while I am supposed to be working...

I have had a bit of a worry today. While perusing 3fc and reading some of the latest posts, I came across naysayers regarding low caloric intake, losing too fast, losing muscle mass, and crash-and-burn dieting.  I also did some follow-up reading online and everyone is par for the course with their information.  This is disturbing to me as I am sticking to about 1400 a day, and losing 3-4 lbs a week.  The thing is, I am not getting hungry, or feeling weak or anything.  I am also more than 2 months in to my personal program so the whole idea of a crash-and-burn at this point I feel is probably not going to happen.  Add that to how many stories and blogs I have read of women being successful doing pretty much exactly what I am doing.   I am being tugged in two directions because of this: worry that I am hurting myself in the long run vs. everything is going swimmingly, as expected.

Interesting body change of the day:  (another TMI moment) my butt bones are actually starting to be uncomfortable when I am on the loo.  I am still waaaaaay heavy, but I am losing fat (especially in my back, waist, and ass apparently) and this has led to more prominent bonage on my backside.  It is going to get worse, isn't it?  Blah.

Thinkin' Walkin'

This morning's weight: 290.2

I'm starting to think more seriously about exercise. I was planning on waiting until I lose some more weight, and starting a serious walk-to-run program when I hit 250.  I am thinking maybe I should start now though, with the onset of spring and the sun coming out a little more.

I notice with my morning walks, I wake up and I feel energized.  The only thing I can think on doing though is to wake up another 30 minutes early and do my exercises then.  I am just WAY to beat at the end of the day.  Getting up at 5am sounds like such a drag though!   Instead (and I just came up with this)  I think that I will add a walk during my day.  I am sure I can get away with 30 minutes and just walk around the periphery of the building once.  Or twice, however much it ends up being.

I have so many recipes to add to the recipe pages! I have been making some phenomenal soups and salads.  I hope my work week isn't busy as I tend to write up my blog stuff when I am not too drowned in work...

Reposting Positivity

This morning's weight: 291.4

I posted this on 3FC and am being lazy and don't want to reword it, but I think it speaks a lot to my current state of mind.  I posted it in the weekly "1 positive thing about me" thread.

----

My positive for today is that I actually can feel and see differences in my body - they kind of hit me like a ton of bricks (or at least, 41 lbs of bricks) last night and this morning: 1) I fit into a pair of pants that have been sitting in my closet for THREE YEARS that were too tight for me to wear (they are loose) 2) my wedding ring is slips right off my finger (used to be a struggle) 3) I can actually feel my knuckle bones when I put on lotion today and was sliding my fingers against themselves 4) a co-worker of mine just stared at me when I walked by and she said "wow - weight is just melting off of you" (she is the first one to say anything) 5) when I put on my tank-top this morning (which I have in 6 colors that I wear under everything) I noticed it's too loose -but I promised myself no major shopping until I reach goal so I will just have to make due. Maybe I should have saved these up for 5 different days so I could have something to reflect on all week

I had a mixed blessings positive/somewhat negative yesterday. It was my first time going out to eat since changing to healthy food. We went to a vegetarian restaurant (I may have influenced the choice more then a smidge HA) and I ordered a salad, dressing on the side, and bbq veggie kabob with cherry-almond quinoa. It looked great, it smelled great. but as soon as I started eating I realized the extraordinary amount of oil and butter that was used. Needless to say I ate very little as my calorie counting OCD kicked in, but worse, I started feeling like I was going to hurl. I had to take tums. I think that I ate maybe 1/4 c. of the quinoa and less than 1/2 c. worth of the veggies. SO now I am worrying about my trip to see my family in April - all we do is eat out for 3 days for 3 meals a day. So yeah, mixed blessings on eating TOO healthy, but I am really enjoying the cooking, and how great my skin is looking, and how I am losing weight and still eating loads of food.

TMI? Probably. And also daydreams.

This morning's weight: 291.4

I went nutso this weekend playing with layouts for this blog. I really wanted a tabbed top for the pages, but I guess blogger hasn't caught up with WordPress yet.  Now I just have to begin the slow process of transferring my recipes to this blog.

Last week I only lost 1.6 lbs.  I know that might seem plenty, but now I am used to losing 4+ lbs a week and I am not mentally prepared for the losses to start slowing down already!  I know it is going to slow down eventually, but the sloughing off sure is an awesome feeling; especially because I am working so hard and being so good with staying within my calorie allotment, no sugar, no processed white flour goods, and TONS of veggies and nutrient dense foods.

Of course, the lovely news is that I got on the scale this morning to a 2ish pound loss :D.  Is this because of TOM ending?  Is it because I was stuck in the bathroom last night at 2am for 35 minutes getting rid of what appeared to be the entire contents of the weekends veggie fest?  Who knows!  I hope it is a "whoosh week" as fellow blogger and 3fc'er Gracie789 calls them.  (Side note, love her blog! I think that she and I could be friends irl if we knew each other.  So many similarities, of course, the one glaring difference [religion] might put a halt on it, but maybe not!  If you want to read some really inspirational posts and amazing transformation in progress check her out.)

Something I have been thinking about, one of my major motivations at this time really, is the fact that none of my family live anywhere near me.  I have not seen any of them since November.  I am going to go down for a visit in April, and another in September.  I keep wondering how much weight I will have lost by the time I see them and if it will even be noticeable. 

If I am losing at the same rate I have been, by the time I visit in April, I will be down around 260 (translates into about a 70 pound loss in 4 months, I don't think this is a reasonable expectation).  If I lose just 10 lbs per month (which is quite reasonable) between now and then, I would be down around 270, a 60 lb loss since last I saw them.  I think it will be noticeable, at least somewhat.  And come September, if I lose 10 a month, it is foreseeable that I could be down to 230-220.  How cool would that be.  They would definitely notice then!

I do a lot of daydreaming about the future, and how I am going to look and feel.  This weekend, I noticed that I wasn't as stoked on getting healthy and I started thinking about what was bumming me out and I realized I hadn't been daydreaming and doing my "what ifs" that I tend to do when I am falling asleep or doing mind-numbingly boring house chores. I think the stall-out on my weight really effected my frame of mind.  I need to work on getting over that.

Working on Recipes

This morning's weight: 295.6

So I think that my other blog which I have been using for my recipe and food blog is going to go back to being my doggy and polymer clay jewelry blog.  Everything I am cooking these days is about healthy, low calorie food.  I think that it would do better here in a space where I am celebrating healthy choices, instead of being put on display for my foodie friends who wonder why in the world I would eat cabbage instead of pasta and can't fathom that it would be any good (which it totally is and I will include the recipe on the "dinners" page when I make it.

So with that in mind, keep your eyes peeled, my many fathoms of readers (google analytics tells me I am the only one reading this blog so far.  At least I have a record of everything!  I am already going back to read some stuff and it is interesting to see my thought processes)

As far as my wrasslin' with the scale today... I am glad to see that at the very least I am back to where I was on Sunday.  I am counting Sunday's weight as my official weight.   The thread on 3FC is now my awesome official weight space.  Thanks ladies for being there (she says to no one...)

TOM & Pollan

This morning's weight: upswing

So this is my first menstrual cycle while having a scale since changing the way I eat.  It is totally creepy how the water retention makes for a huge gain.  "Scientifically" speaking, and looking at calories consumed vs. burned, I should be down 2 lbs since Sunday, or at 293ish.  But no.  I have been 298 since Monday morning.  The human body is a peculiar thing.

This past weekend I watched Food, Inc. I highly recommend it for anyone that eats.  It really makes you stop and take a look at where your food comes from, and how food has changed over the years.  The moral of the story is, the vast majority of us don't eat to well, something that I know and am trying to change.

In that same vein,  I picked up In Defense of Food, and it's little sister, Food Rules.  I recommend Food Rules to everyone.  It is a very dumbed-down, easy to get a grip on, fast read (and only 5 bucks!) that gives you a set of, well, rules but really more like snippets of common sense wisdom.  The science behind the rules are found In Defense of Food. The best part is the 7 word food eating guide Pollan has come up with:

Eat Food. Not too much.  Mostly Plants.

Brilliant, and elegant.  And words I am already trying to live by.  His simple way of describing what is FOOD as opposed to "foodlike substitutes" is so basic, and yet I think we westerners are just blind to it.  Mostly plants is easy.  My big problem is still "Not too much".  I love to be full to bursting - which is why I have chosen to give up bread for the most part so I can eat more salad and feel fuller. 

Baby steps...

Goodbye 300s!

This morning's weight: 298.2

I cannot begin to tell you how awesome it feels to meet what to me is a HUGE goal, getting out of the 300s. I'm debating whether or not to post on 3fc and share it.

In other news, I went to my doc yesterday and she was simultaneously happy I am losing weight, and tutting that I am losing so fast. I guess 34 lbs in 6 weeks IS fast, but I attribute that to water weight and the fact that right now I have so much to lose. I just stared at her and wanted to say "LET ME HAVE MY GLORY WOMAN!"

The good part in all this is that now she is going to be monitoring me during the process. In 3 months, I am going in for a butt-load of blood tests including b-12, iron, and Vitamin D, which all may be compromised if I don't stay nutritionally sound.

I am excited for this as I took a full battery of blood tests around January 11, so right at the start of my change in diet. I will have to get comparison copies of both tests to post here so that my zero viewers can bask with me :)

First Pant Size Down

This morning's weight: 300.0

So I haven't "cheated" or gone over 1400 calories, or missed any walks, or anything, and I have only manged to drop .8 of a pound in 4 days? That doesn't even make sense! I expect that water weight may be partially to blame (I am PMSing hard now) but still... there is something so discouraging about the numbers on the scale even though I KNOW I can't focus on that and that alone.

I should be reveling in not only being a whole size smaller pant and shirt (which I am currently wearing WOO) but that the pants are already loose. Not belt worthy loose, but I can pull out the side a good inch and they were tight when I bought them 9 days ago.

I need to figure out better cooking strategies. I'm literally spending 2 hours every night cooking food. I've gotten too fancy. So that is my goal for next week. Figure out easier, faster dinners that are still delish and lunches that I won't get bored with.

Upwing Ponderings

This morning's weight: upswing from 300.8

I don't understand how the body can go up and down 1-3 pounds within a few hours. It is pretty fascinating. On the 4th, my morning weigh in was at 304.6, then it went up to 306 by the next day, and the following day back down to 302.6. Yesterday morning, I was at 300.8. I got off and on the scale 4 times and it remained steady. Last night before bed I checked again, and yep, 301. So how in blazes am I registering at 303 this morning?

I am having a lot of fun with cooking and trying to eat a bunch of nutrient rich foods. I notice how good the food is on the skin on my face; I'm super soft lately and relatively blemish free - the period is coming, so i do have a few ouchies, but my normal array of white heads on my schnozz have been non-existent.

This week I am going to try to not dwell on the weight upswings. I find myself getting depressed. I am also going to try to be more patient with myself. I am 32 pounds down, and feel frustrated that I am just barely one size down, and can't really see it otherwise. I need to remember that its only been like 5 weeks and give myself some slack

Hoooongry

This morning's weight: 304

I don't know why, but I have been RAVENOUS the last 2 days. I have been good and just stayed hungry (and chewed a lot of gum when it got really bad) in order to stay within my calories, but it hasn't been comfortable. I honestly think that it is some PMS as I have also been crying at the drop of a hat, and my weight loss has slooooooowed this week. I suppose there are still 3 days left in the week, but still. Little discouragements are no good for anyone.

Dopey

This morning's weight: 304.8

You see that? More calories (or the correct amount of calories I should say) and the weight dropped a few ounces. I looked up some information on "starvation mode" and it seems like my theory is actually based in fairly well known facts. I'm such a dope.

As full of energy I am in the mornings, I'm equally tired come about 3pm. Right now I am pretty beat and I didn't do anything different than any other day really.

A friend of mine said my face looks thinner to her. That's pretty neat :) I noticed I could reach a spot on my leg that I couldn't last month, that's even neater...

The Long Road Towards Health: A Retrospective

I actually had this written down in my paper journal, but since I can now add to it, I figured I would transfer it here also.

August 2005 - quit smoking
July 2006 - quit the abusive ex
December 2008 - 95% quit eating sweets w/ refined sugar
September 2009 - started taking AM walks
January 2010 - counting calories, diet, added vitamins and green tea
January 2010 - quit drinking coffee

Met a Goal

This morning's weight: upswing from 305.4

I think I am seeing a pattern with my upswing weight and how much I am eating. And it is opposite of the obvious. This weekend I didn't eat enough calories, like, at all. Saturday I was at 944 and yesterday I only managed to get 877 in. I sleep in on the weekends and when I get up I just want to make jewelry or goof off on the internet, not eat. I end up eating breakfast for lunch and then an early dinner. There is no recovery at that point to get more food in.

That said, I am still recording today as 305.4, which means I met a goal today! Horay! I am at/under my February 1st On Track Goal Weight. Very exciting!

I am starting so have a lot of extra energy in the morning. I have been a morning person for a long time, but, for example, today I managed to clean the kitchen before work. Very peppy! It drives the husband crazy as he can barely move in the morning.

I am looking forward to actually being able to see a difference in my body. Right now, there is no visual difference. I fit into a 22/24 shirt (down from 26/28) and I bought, but am not yet comfortable wearing, a pair of 24 jeans, and I have had to tighten my belt 3 notches. Soon enough I suppose!

FIRST

This morning's weight: 306.8

PHEW!

OK this is my first post that wasn't retroactively copied over from the paper copy of my journal. That was a lot of work! I had no idea how much time and effort that I put into this already. I think it is a good thing.


With that in mind though, keeping this short. My freaking wrist hurts from all the dang typing :)

11

This morning's weight: 308.6

One more down, that is good. I made my first step towards going online with my journal by getting a new email address and getting my blog all signed up and whatnot.

10

This morning's weight: upswing

Another up day!? So lame...

9

This morning's weight: upswing

My next nutrition goal is to stop eating when I am full. My eyes are still bigger than my tummy. The scale was more than yesterday morning, so of course I didn't record it. I don't want to see gains ever again!

8

This morning's weight: 309.8

For some reason, seeing that 0 in the 309 has been a huge thrill for me. Too cool! It inspired me to make more goals so I now have 3 sets of goals to have fun crossing things off of (see my Goal Tracking tag). I might even make make some more arbitrary goals because crossing stupiud things off a page feels like I am really doing something.

I had "loads" of fun buying new jeans yesterday. Big not. I really saw the fat pouches on my thighs for the first time. They are like droopy soft balls. How can husband stand to look at all that and still say I am sexy and beautiful? He says "it's all part of you so I don't care". The man is a fucking super hero. How did I get so lucky?

7

This morning's weight: 312.4

I've grown weary of my weight jumping up and down. It seems as though it is dependent on what I am wearing so I made the bold (you see what I did there?) decision to do my morning weigh in in undies only. I know this is going to set me up for disappointment when I go to the docs office and have to have clothes on. I will just have to deal with such things.

Writing long hand makes my hands hurt.

Seeing the weight gain over the course of three years when looking back on my medical records (now that the arrived) is shocking. Also shocking: either all of my docs in the past over stated on their forms how much they actually talked to me about weight loss and dieting, or I really was just not able to hear it. Their notes look like BS, but I am betting I turned a deaf ear.

6

This morning's weight: 314.2

It was discouraging to see the scale not move at all for 2 days or move up several ounces. I think I must have misread or something on the 19th. Oh well, at least it is down now. Restarting my food blog was a great idea too (note, this is a separate blog from this one). I am also debating moving my journal into an online, public blog (another note: all of the posts prior to Jan 29 are typed up retrospectively from my hard copy journal). I don't know if i want to be that public with this though. I would want to be anonymous for now, which means a rigmarole of getting new gmail addys and resubbing to 3FC under a new name.

5

This morning's weight: upswing

Some of my enthusiasm for keeping up with all of this (and yes it is cumbersome, but I think this is what I need to actually keep going) is waning, but not the dedication. I got on the scale this morning and the numbers where higher than the previous day. I chose not to write down the record of the weight as I am sure it is due to the clothes I am wearing as i didn't screw up my calorie count all weekend. Plus, I did lots of extra activity what with moving the computer desks around.

4

This morning's weight: 320.2

Maybe I am getting really thirsty from using too much salt in my cooking? I am being very heavy handed with the seasoning since I have cut out the fat and bread. Something to ponder...

3

This morning's weight: 321.6

I had a weird heart palpitation last night. I read it might be related to the hypothyroidism. Still it is worrisome. Also, I have been really thirsty of late. It is actually quite annoying. Oh, but my poops have been magnificent. I think my intestines are getting rid of a lot of junk and at the same time basking in the glory of daily fresh vegetables.

2

This morning's weight: no scale yet

I had a dream last night about how many calories were actually in the lamb I ate. I am disappointed that yesterdays calorie count was at 1600 yesterday. I guess I need to try to keep it in perspective that anything less than 2700 calories is good. But still... I hope my scale comes today. I need some more encouragement. This is hard.

1

This morning's weight: no scale yet / 332

Today marks the seventh day, and end of the first week, in my change of eating habits. I wish I had a starting weight that was more accurate. I know I must have put on some poundage between December 18 (date of my last OBGN apt and weigh in) and the day I get to weigh myself once the scale I ordered arrives. I guess it remains to be seen.

Sheer Force of Will

Current Stats:
5'4"
332 lbs as of 12/18/09
BMI 57 = morbidly obese (sounds sexy... not)
size 26/28
to maintain this weight, I need to consume 2757 calories every day.

Goal Stats
5'10" (just kidding)
140 pounds (normal range for my height = 122-157 pounds)
1500 calories to maintain


FYI: 1 pound of fat is 3500 calories

I'm naming my diet "The Sheer Force of Will" diet.

My personal motto "If it takes two years, it takes two years!"

Inspiring quotes

Amanda from 3Fc:
"It's not about motivation, it's about commitment"
"We use the number on the scale not because it is the most accurate, but because it is the most convenient"

"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't.
It's that some people are ready to change and others are not."
- James Gordon

"If you focus on results, you will never change.
If you focus on change, you will get results."
- Jack Dixon

"Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only wishes."
- A Chinese Proverb

"A failure establishes only this, that our determination to succeed
was not strong enough."
- John C. Bovee

"If your determination is fixed, I do not counsel you to despair. Few things
are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not
by strength, but perseverance."
- Samuel Johnson

"Willpower is the art of replacing one habit for another."
- Michael Garofalo

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try."
- Beverly Sills

"We are a product of the choices we make, not the circumstances
that we face."
- Roger Crawford

Unknown Author:
Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give myself reasons why I can.

Winston Churchill:
Never, never, never, never give up.

Henry Ford has some great quotes about work ethic, but he was a well known biggoted nasty anti- Semite and I refuse to give him any props.

Gaining Abilities

The other side of the motivation coin, instead of getting rid of things like co-morbidities and a tummy that hangs over, is what I hope to gain by losing fat. I will add to this list as I think of them.

Things that I can't do at 332 pounds, and hope to be able to do soon!

• Touch my knees to my chest
• Yoga
• Take my pups for a run
• Tie my shoes easily
• Fit in an airplane seat without an extender
• Wear tighter fitting clothes comfortably
• Get a proper gyno exam (oh yes, this is an issue)
• Stay alive longer with my hot-as-balls husband
• Wear a cute wrap shirt actually wrapped tight across my stomach area
• See how my face changes (one day when I get braver, I'll post face change pics)
• Wear baby doll t-shirts comfortably
• Cross my legs
• Not be smooshed in theatre seats

My Comorbidities

Getting rid of the comorbidities I have is the best motivation I can possibly think of.

I aim to banish:

• Sleep Apnea
• Sleeping hands / carpal business
• Morning stiffness
• Knee pain on stairs
• Acid reflux
• Fatty liver
• Pre-diabetes Diabetes - according to my doc on a visit on Feb 11, 2010, the definition of diabetes changed.  I am officially diabetic according to the updated standards.

Right. Where to begin?

I suppose at the beginning.

I am a fatty. I have always been, and frankly, it never bothered me. At 36-years-old, I can honestly say I have never tried dieting. This is not to say that at 9 my parents didn't force me to take Herbalife for 3 months - which they did, and I lost 23 lbs if memory serves- but as an adult I have never gone out of my way to lose weight. I guess I have always just accepted myself as who I was, a large woman. My weight fluctuated up and down due to various things like quitting smoking, having surgery, a bad relationship, but as we both know, that is different than a patented try for weight loss.

I never really cared that I have to shop at Lane Bryant. Nor did I care that sometimes I was stared at or overheard whispers. I easily laughed this sort of behavior off. It also doesn't really bother me that I had to purchase a seat belt extender for air travel in order to get the belt all the way across my belly. I am who I am, and that's that.

So what brings me to the point where not only have I decided to lose weight, but to blog about it? Two things.

First, I married a wonderful, brilliant, funny, kind, giving, GORGEOUS, terrific man 12 years younger than me. I love him so much it makes me tear up thinking about it. And I want to be around him for as long as I possibly can. Which leads me to the second reason:

Health issues have started to rear their ugly little heads, some of which will be life threatening if left unchecked. I recently found out that I have Hashimoto's Disease which is being medicated, and not related to weight. I am also pre-diabetic according to my old doctor, and "pretty much diabetic" according to my new doctor (don't you just LOVE the technical terminology? I know I was thrilled to hear it). I have the more serious form of Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease, known as nonalcoholic steatohepatitis. I also have a severe vitamin-D deficiency . And finally, I also experience (undiagnosed) acid reflux and sleep apnea. Add to that my hand and arms falling asleep when they are elevated or pinched in any way for longer than a few seconds, being stiff and sore if I sleep for more then 6 hours, and my knees hurting in when I walk up stairs.

The sucky kicker: every single one of these is due simply to being fat. And to be more blunt, at 5'4" and 332 lbs., morbidly obese.

So anyway.

For some reason, back in December of 2009, something finally clicked with me. I mean really clicked. For the first time. I put all the aforementioned problems together and the realization hit me that I was, quite simply, allowing myself to die sooner then I should.

After I made this realization, the first thing I did was start to look at gastric bypass surgery, what it entailed, how to go about it and see if it was covered by my insurance. I did SO much research online, it was ridiculous. I also watch YouTube videos like crazy, in particular, I watched vid-blogs of women who chronicled their journey from beginning to end. These women looked like me when they began, and they came out looking like different people. It was extraordinary. If you are interested in watching and listening to some amazing stories, you should check out Diva Taunia and Amelia's blog.

And then reality started setting in. Every surgery blog I saw there were serious life-threatening issues that went along with the surgery for pretty much every person. As I continued watching videos, I saw several people say they wish they hadn't had surgery, and another that said the surgery doesn't work for everyone (what?!).

The real kicker - the video that made me turn my back forever on the possibility of surgery was 1 sentence from a Dr. Rutledge who posts all his 'happy camper' patients who have had successful surgeries. Among his literally hundreds of videos, whilst asking one patient for permission to post the video on the web, he asks if he can, "to sell your likeness and make me fabulously wealthy so I can retire". Oh yes. And that was just it for me: these docs, are all about their bottom line. Us fatties who love to eat are a terrific market for docs who can (almost) magically make us thin. Never mind the complications such as malnutrition, hernias, bowel obstructions, leakage and strictures; let's make my wallet heavier while making my patient lighter.

The other real big reason for me not to have the surgery is that you have to make the same lifestyloe changes, learn the same eating habits, change the way you move shop and cook in order for the surgery to be successful. So why not skip the middle man (and his pocket book) and go right to the this step? Instead of surgery, I am invoking my will power. Instead of going under the knife, I am putting myself through rigorous mental readjustments.

I have designed my own plan of nutrition, diet, exercise, motivation, goal keeping, and support. Keeping the blog is part of the motivation, hopefully will act as some support (please comment or email me!), and I want a record of my journey to pass on to others to help them the way so many others have helped me (I'll get to that in another post).

So there you have it.