Monday, May 24, 2010

The Inevitble Slow Down

Three weeks in a row of 2 pound loss.  I want to boo and hiss and stomp my feet.  My loss has been a heroic 15 pounds a month for the last 5 months running so this is a let down.  However, my brain is telling me that this is the way it should have been all along.  They say that 8 pounds a month is really the maximum that should be lost per month. So I suppose that I should be grateful that I might be at max.  It does offset my mighty hopes of being 100 down by the time I go on vacation in July.  Still might be 100 down by  the time I see my family for the first time since changing my eating habits, though! they have no idea I have even lost any weight so I am quite looking forward to the reactions.

And in any case, I am down 3 sizes, my skin looks effing great, and I've lost 3 bra sizes across the back(and realized my cup size is actually 3 times BIGGER than what I have been wearing).  Too much to be happy about to let a silly change in loss of rate get me down or lead me astray.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Defying the Odds

This is another post that is a direct copy from my response on the 3fc boards (although I may flesh it out later as there are some thoughts here I'd like to think more about).

A question was posted "what motivates you do keep fighting to 'defy the odds'?" regarding regaining plus more once you lose all the weight.  This was my response:

For me (and I hope that when I get to the point of maintenance my mindset remains), I don't look at what I am doing right now as only dieting, because that something that isn't forever, ergo it is something that can be stopped (which would lead to weight gain). Yes, right now I am very strictly counting calories, but in doing so I am learning appropriate portion sizes, and learning which food is high calorie, vs. what I can get away with eating a lot of. I am rethinking food, what food means to me, how much I need to eat vs how much (and what) I just WANT to eat.

I think I was brought up in a household - and society -that looks at food as more than sustenance.  My entire family turns to food comfort, to ease boredom, and as a source of entertainment. I was never taught that "you are what you eat".

Additionally, I had no idea that all those skinny people that you see stuffing their faces will eat light the next few days and maybe exercise more to make up for the splurge. This was a revelation! I thought that everyone stuffed face day in and day out, like I did since that was all I ever saw. I thought I was broken and hence never really tried to lose weight as I figured it was a lost cause.

So, with all of this in mind (and I realize this was a completely circuitous response to the original query) the way I am going to defy the odds is that I am going to use my noggin with all this knowledge I now have and I am not going to let the bad habits I was raised with get in the way of what I intellectually know is just plain wrong.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Random NSV catch-up

I had a "bad" loss last week, only -1.6, which I know is dreamy to most people, but I have been having such a great rate of weight loss that this smaller loss makes me feel funny.  Add that to a change in my thyroid meds (it looks like I have been taking too much since January, which probably accounts for the higher rate of loss, and now that it has been adjusted, my losses will probably be smaller from here out BOO).

So, with that in mind and as a way to keep me on track, here is a list of recent NSVs!  (Some of which I am going to be really non-descriptive about as it is really personal and more for me to remember, ha!):

  • I can cross my legs, albeit I do have to use my leg muscles to hold it there.  I can put my foot on my knee though, both sitting and standing!
  • Doc informed me on Monday I am not diabetic anymore as of 4/28/10. This is HUGE
  • While in the shower, I can reach places I couldn't (easily, and without acrobatics anyway...) before
  • More fun husband-y things have become available.  weeeeeeee
  • I got a size 14 skirt! And wore it to work yesterday!  It has an elastic waistband, but whatevs.
  • My 18/20 jeans are getting loose in the thighs and waist.  Not time to trade down yet, but I'm getting there
  • Been getting some more compliments lately.
  • Above skirt was from Target, and still in the woman's section, but the smallest size in the woman's section.
  • Last night I had my arm resting on my hips when laying on my side and I felt my hip bone.  CRAZY
  • I can trim my toenails without having to hold my breath while sitting at a crazy angle and sort of approach the toes from the side and hope I get a straight cut
  • My wedding band is getting super loose.  Ive caught it in the middle of my finger once or twice now.  Gotta be careful.
  • My Uggs are no long cutting off the circulation in my calves. They are actually loose on them and I have been wearing them more.  And I can walk in them all day long and not have sore feet
  • Not having sore feet in general, for me, is amazing considering I have had bad feet for FOREVER
  • I'm catching men looking at me now, and not with the curiosity of someone looking at a circus freak.  There is attraction there.
  • Had to get rid of some more clothes that are simply too big to wear in public.  My favorite jammie bottoms are about to be lost forever.  I will miss them.  Shopping time soon! I'm still waiting for the July trip though to make wardrobe purchases.

I suppose that is enough for now.  Good stuff to reflect on when the stupid scale is slower than optimal.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Changing Body Image

I feel like I am not obsessing on the weight loss so much these days.  I think this is a a really positive turn of events.  The last 4+ months I have been thinking my body and numbers on the scale almost constantly.  I have also stopped thinking about food ALL the effing time.  It has always been the case with me that if I was not actively eating, I was thinking about what I could eat next.  With my lifestyle change, I was still thinking about food all the time, just healthier food, what I was going to make, and did I have enough healthy alternatives in the house to make sure that if I got the munchies I would be taken care of.

I havn't even been bothering getting on the scale more then 2-3 times a week lately, whereas I was on that stupid thing at least once a day at the beginning.  Good stuff!

I am starting to have body image issues though.  Don't scoff! I have been morbidly obese my entire adult life and I came to a very comfortable place with myself with the "I am who I am" approach and when I looked at the mirror, I didn't see a fatty, I just saw me and didn't think about the rolls of flesh.  When I look at the mirror now, all I see is the roll of flab around my middle, and the dropping pockets of fat at my inner thigh, and how fraking big my upper arms are.  I miss my innocent self that could look in the mirror and just say, "hey there is me!" and instead says "Jupiter's cock! you are so fat still and you have lost 72 pounds!".  Sad. 

I was talking to a woman in my office (one of my biggest supporters in this journey actually.  Between my two office mates who are also watching their figures, and all the folks at 3fc I have the raddest support system) about clothes. I am close to needing the next size down again.  I am going to try to wait until July when I go out of town.  I am guessing I will firmly be in the next size down then and I can splurge and buy a few nice outfits.  

Anyway, office mate and I were discussing Good Will as an option and I expressed my concern that I didn't think Good Will would have a decent variety of plus sized clothing.  She looked at me funny and informed me that when I am one more size down, I am no longer going to be plus sized.  Why this struck me as so crazy, I don't know, but it did, and it does.  Where the hell am I going to shop! I've been in exclusively Lane Bryant and Torrid for 10+ YEARS.  I checked Old Navy and apparently their XL is actually size 18-20 which is what I am moving out of.  Going to shop at different stores seems really scary to me.  I can't wrap my head around it.  Am I ridiculous?  My little safety bubble (of fat, as it were) is slowly being honed away and I feel at a loss.