Right. Where to begin?

I suppose at the beginning.

I am a fatty. I have always been, and frankly, it never bothered me. At 36-years-old, I can honestly say I have never tried dieting. This is not to say that at 9 my parents didn't force me to take Herbalife for 3 months - which they did, and I lost 23 lbs if memory serves- but as an adult I have never gone out of my way to lose weight. I guess I have always just accepted myself as who I was, a large woman. My weight fluctuated up and down due to various things like quitting smoking, having surgery, a bad relationship, but as we both know, that is different than a patented try for weight loss.

I never really cared that I have to shop at Lane Bryant. Nor did I care that sometimes I was stared at or overheard whispers. I easily laughed this sort of behavior off. It also doesn't really bother me that I had to purchase a seat belt extender for air travel in order to get the belt all the way across my belly. I am who I am, and that's that.

So what brings me to the point where not only have I decided to lose weight, but to blog about it? Two things.

First, I married a wonderful, brilliant, funny, kind, giving, GORGEOUS, terrific man 12 years younger than me. I love him so much it makes me tear up thinking about it. And I want to be around him for as long as I possibly can. Which leads me to the second reason:

Health issues have started to rear their ugly little heads, some of which will be life threatening if left unchecked. I recently found out that I have Hashimoto's Disease which is being medicated, and not related to weight. I am also pre-diabetic according to my old doctor, and "pretty much diabetic" according to my new doctor (don't you just LOVE the technical terminology? I know I was thrilled to hear it). I have the more serious form of Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease, known as nonalcoholic steatohepatitis. I also have a severe vitamin-D deficiency . And finally, I also experience (undiagnosed) acid reflux and sleep apnea. Add to that my hand and arms falling asleep when they are elevated or pinched in any way for longer than a few seconds, being stiff and sore if I sleep for more then 6 hours, and my knees hurting in when I walk up stairs.

The sucky kicker: every single one of these is due simply to being fat. And to be more blunt, at 5'4" and 332 lbs., morbidly obese.

So anyway.

For some reason, back in December of 2009, something finally clicked with me. I mean really clicked. For the first time. I put all the aforementioned problems together and the realization hit me that I was, quite simply, allowing myself to die sooner then I should.

After I made this realization, the first thing I did was start to look at gastric bypass surgery, what it entailed, how to go about it and see if it was covered by my insurance. I did SO much research online, it was ridiculous. I also watch YouTube videos like crazy, in particular, I watched vid-blogs of women who chronicled their journey from beginning to end. These women looked like me when they began, and they came out looking like different people. It was extraordinary. If you are interested in watching and listening to some amazing stories, you should check out Diva Taunia and Amelia's blog.

And then reality started setting in. Every surgery blog I saw there were serious life-threatening issues that went along with the surgery for pretty much every person. As I continued watching videos, I saw several people say they wish they hadn't had surgery, and another that said the surgery doesn't work for everyone (what?!).

The real kicker - the video that made me turn my back forever on the possibility of surgery was 1 sentence from a Dr. Rutledge who posts all his 'happy camper' patients who have had successful surgeries. Among his literally hundreds of videos, whilst asking one patient for permission to post the video on the web, he asks if he can, "to sell your likeness and make me fabulously wealthy so I can retire". Oh yes. And that was just it for me: these docs, are all about their bottom line. Us fatties who love to eat are a terrific market for docs who can (almost) magically make us thin. Never mind the complications such as malnutrition, hernias, bowel obstructions, leakage and strictures; let's make my wallet heavier while making my patient lighter.

The other real big reason for me not to have the surgery is that you have to make the same lifestyloe changes, learn the same eating habits, change the way you move shop and cook in order for the surgery to be successful. So why not skip the middle man (and his pocket book) and go right to the this step? Instead of surgery, I am invoking my will power. Instead of going under the knife, I am putting myself through rigorous mental readjustments.

I have designed my own plan of nutrition, diet, exercise, motivation, goal keeping, and support. Keeping the blog is part of the motivation, hopefully will act as some support (please comment or email me!), and I want a record of my journey to pass on to others to help them the way so many others have helped me (I'll get to that in another post).

So there you have it.