Friday, January 29, 2010


This morning's weight: 306.8


OK this is my first post that wasn't retroactively copied over from the paper copy of my journal. That was a lot of work! I had no idea how much time and effort that I put into this already. I think it is a good thing.

With that in mind though, keeping this short. My freaking wrist hurts from all the dang typing :)

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


This morning's weight: 308.6

One more down, that is good. I made my first step towards going online with my journal by getting a new email address and getting my blog all signed up and whatnot.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


This morning's weight: upswing

Another up day!? So lame...

Monday, January 25, 2010


This morning's weight: upswing

My next nutrition goal is to stop eating when I am full. My eyes are still bigger than my tummy. The scale was more than yesterday morning, so of course I didn't record it. I don't want to see gains ever again!

Sunday, January 24, 2010


This morning's weight: 309.8

For some reason, seeing that 0 in the 309 has been a huge thrill for me. Too cool! It inspired me to make more goals so I now have 3 sets of goals to have fun crossing things off of (see my Goal Tracking tag). I might even make make some more arbitrary goals because crossing stupiud things off a page feels like I am really doing something.

I had "loads" of fun buying new jeans yesterday. Big not. I really saw the fat pouches on my thighs for the first time. They are like droopy soft balls. How can husband stand to look at all that and still say I am sexy and beautiful? He says "it's all part of you so I don't care". The man is a fucking super hero. How did I get so lucky?

Friday, January 22, 2010


This morning's weight: 312.4

I've grown weary of my weight jumping up and down. It seems as though it is dependent on what I am wearing so I made the bold (you see what I did there?) decision to do my morning weigh in in undies only. I know this is going to set me up for disappointment when I go to the docs office and have to have clothes on. I will just have to deal with such things.

Writing long hand makes my hands hurt.

Seeing the weight gain over the course of three years when looking back on my medical records (now that the arrived) is shocking. Also shocking: either all of my docs in the past over stated on their forms how much they actually talked to me about weight loss and dieting, or I really was just not able to hear it. Their notes look like BS, but I am betting I turned a deaf ear.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


This morning's weight: 314.2

It was discouraging to see the scale not move at all for 2 days or move up several ounces. I think I must have misread or something on the 19th. Oh well, at least it is down now. Restarting my food blog was a great idea too (note, this is a separate blog from this one). I am also debating moving my journal into an online, public blog (another note: all of the posts prior to Jan 29 are typed up retrospectively from my hard copy journal). I don't know if i want to be that public with this though. I would want to be anonymous for now, which means a rigmarole of getting new gmail addys and resubbing to 3FC under a new name.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


This morning's weight: upswing

Some of my enthusiasm for keeping up with all of this (and yes it is cumbersome, but I think this is what I need to actually keep going) is waning, but not the dedication. I got on the scale this morning and the numbers where higher than the previous day. I chose not to write down the record of the weight as I am sure it is due to the clothes I am wearing as i didn't screw up my calorie count all weekend. Plus, I did lots of extra activity what with moving the computer desks around.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


This morning's weight: 320.2

Maybe I am getting really thirsty from using too much salt in my cooking? I am being very heavy handed with the seasoning since I have cut out the fat and bread. Something to ponder...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


This morning's weight: 321.6

I had a weird heart palpitation last night. I read it might be related to the hypothyroidism. Still it is worrisome. Also, I have been really thirsty of late. It is actually quite annoying. Oh, but my poops have been magnificent. I think my intestines are getting rid of a lot of junk and at the same time basking in the glory of daily fresh vegetables.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


This morning's weight: no scale yet

I had a dream last night about how many calories were actually in the lamb I ate. I am disappointed that yesterdays calorie count was at 1600 yesterday. I guess I need to try to keep it in perspective that anything less than 2700 calories is good. But still... I hope my scale comes today. I need some more encouragement. This is hard.

Monday, January 11, 2010


This morning's weight: no scale yet / 332

Today marks the seventh day, and end of the first week, in my change of eating habits. I wish I had a starting weight that was more accurate. I know I must have put on some poundage between December 18 (date of my last OBGN apt and weigh in) and the day I get to weigh myself once the scale I ordered arrives. I guess it remains to be seen.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Sheer Force of Will

Current Stats:
332 lbs as of 12/18/09
BMI 57 = morbidly obese (sounds sexy... not)
size 26/28
to maintain this weight, I need to consume 2757 calories every day.

Goal Stats
5'10" (just kidding)
140 pounds (normal range for my height = 122-157 pounds)
1500 calories to maintain

FYI: 1 pound of fat is 3500 calories

I'm naming my diet "The Sheer Force of Will" diet.

My personal motto "If it takes two years, it takes two years!"

Monday, January 4, 2010

Inspiring quotes

Amanda from 3Fc:
"It's not about motivation, it's about commitment"
"We use the number on the scale not because it is the most accurate, but because it is the most convenient"

"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't.
It's that some people are ready to change and others are not."
- James Gordon

"If you focus on results, you will never change.
If you focus on change, you will get results."
- Jack Dixon

"Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only wishes."
- A Chinese Proverb

"A failure establishes only this, that our determination to succeed
was not strong enough."
- John C. Bovee

"If your determination is fixed, I do not counsel you to despair. Few things
are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not
by strength, but perseverance."
- Samuel Johnson

"Willpower is the art of replacing one habit for another."
- Michael Garofalo

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try."
- Beverly Sills

"We are a product of the choices we make, not the circumstances
that we face."
- Roger Crawford

Unknown Author:
Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give myself reasons why I can.

Winston Churchill:
Never, never, never, never give up.

Henry Ford has some great quotes about work ethic, but he was a well known biggoted nasty anti- Semite and I refuse to give him any props.

Gaining Abilities

The other side of the motivation coin, instead of getting rid of things like co-morbidities and a tummy that hangs over, is what I hope to gain by losing fat. I will add to this list as I think of them.

Things that I can't do at 332 pounds, and hope to be able to do soon!
  • Touch my knees to my chest
  • Yoga
  • Take my pups for a run
  • Tie my shoes easily
  • Fit in an airplane seat without an extender
  • Wear tighter fitting clothes comfortably
  • Get a proper gyno exam (oh yes, this is an issue)
  • Stay alive longer with my hot-as-balls husband
  • Wear a cute wrap shirt actually wrapped tight across my stomach area
  • See how my face changes (one day when I get braver, I'll post face change pics)
  • Wear baby doll t-shirts comfortably
  • Cross my legs
  • Not be smooshed in theatre seats

My Comorbidities

Getting rid of the comorbidities I have is the best motivation I can possibly think of.

I aim to banish:
  • Sleep Apnea
  • Sleeping hands / carpal business
  • Morning stiffness
  • Knee pain on stairs
  • Acid reflux
  • Fatty liver
  • Pre-diabetes Diabetes - according to my doc on a visit on Feb 11, 2010, the definition of diabetes changed.  I am officially diabetic according to the updated standards.

Right. Where to begin?

I suppose at the beginning.

I am a fatty. I have always been, and frankly, it never bothered me. At 36-years-old, I can honestly say I have never tried dieting. This is not to say that at 9 my parents didn't force me to take Herbalife for 3 months - which they did, and I lost 23 lbs if memory serves- but as an adult I have never gone out of my way to lose weight. I guess I have always just accepted myself as who I was, a large woman. My weight fluctuated up and down due to various things like quitting smoking, having surgery, a bad relationship, but as we both know, that is different than a patented try for weight loss.

I never really cared that I have to shop at Lane Bryant. Nor did I care that sometimes I was stared at or overheard whispers. I easily laughed this sort of behavior off. It also doesn't really bother me that I had to purchase a seat belt extender for air travel in order to get the belt all the way across my belly. I am who I am, and that's that.

So what brings me to the point where not only have I decided to lose weight, but to blog about it? Two things.

First, I married a wonderful, brilliant, funny, kind, giving, GORGEOUS, terrific man 12 years younger than me. I love him so much it makes me tear up thinking about it. And I want to be around him for as long as I possibly can. Which leads me to the second reason:

Health issues have started to rear their ugly little heads, some of which will be life threatening if left unchecked. I recently found out that I have Hashimoto's Disease which is being medicated, and not related to weight. I am also pre-diabetic according to my old doctor, and "pretty much diabetic" according to my new doctor (don't you just LOVE the technical terminology? I know I was thrilled to hear it). I have the more serious form of Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease, known as nonalcoholic steatohepatitis. I also have a severe vitamin-D deficiency . And finally, I also experience (undiagnosed) acid reflux and sleep apnea. Add to that my hand and arms falling asleep when they are elevated or pinched in any way for longer than a few seconds, being stiff and sore if I sleep for more then 6 hours, and my knees hurting in when I walk up stairs.

The sucky kicker: every single one of these is due simply to being fat. And to be more blunt, at 5'4" and 332 lbs., morbidly obese.

So anyway.

For some reason, back in December of 2009, something finally clicked with me. I mean really clicked. For the first time. I put all the aforementioned problems together and the realization hit me that I was, quite simply, allowing myself to die sooner then I should.

After I made this realization, the first thing I did was start to look at gastric bypass surgery, what it entailed, how to go about it and see if it was covered by my insurance. I did SO much research online, it was ridiculous. I also watch YouTube videos like crazy, in particular, I watched vid-blogs of women who chronicled their journey from beginning to end. These women looked like me when they began, and they came out looking like different people. It was extraordinary. If you are interested in watching and listening to some amazing stories, you should check out Diva Taunia and Amelia's blog.

And then reality started setting in. Every surgery blog I saw there were serious life-threatening issues that went along with the surgery for pretty much every person. As I continued watching videos, I saw several people say they wish they hadn't had surgery, and another that said the surgery doesn't work for everyone (what?!).

The real kicker - the video that made me turn my back forever on the possibility of surgery was 1 sentence from a Dr. Rutledge who posts all his 'happy camper' patients who have had successful surgeries. Among his literally hundreds of videos, whilst asking one patient for permission to post the video on the web, he asks if he can, "to sell your likeness and make me fabulously wealthy so I can retire". Oh yes. And that was just it for me: these docs, are all about their bottom line. Us fatties who love to eat are a terrific market for docs who can (almost) magically make us thin. Never mind the complications such as malnutrition, hernias, bowel obstructions, leakage and strictures; let's make my wallet heavier while making my patient lighter.

The other real big reason for me not to have the surgery is that you have to make the same lifestyloe changes, learn the same eating habits, change the way you move shop and cook in order for the surgery to be successful. So why not skip the middle man (and his pocket book) and go right to the this step? Instead of surgery, I am invoking my will power. Instead of going under the knife, I am putting myself through rigorous mental readjustments.

I have designed my own plan of nutrition, diet, exercise, motivation, goal keeping, and support. Keeping the blog is part of the motivation, hopefully will act as some support (please comment or email me!), and I want a record of my journey to pass on to others to help them the way so many others have helped me (I'll get to that in another post).

So there you have it.