Catch Up

This morning's weight: 237.4


I took a month off of blogging as you can see.  My weight loss has slowed to a crawl, but its at the healthy average of just under 2 lbs a week so I suppose I shouldn't complain too loudly.

I took an airplane this past weekend.  Last time I flew I needed a seat belt extender and my thighs KILLED me when I got off the plane due to being squished between those arm rests.  This time though, there was a good 3-4 inches of extra belt after I sorta tightened (there was enough to keep it loose!) and I easily lowered the tray.  I can't even begin to explain what an awesome freaking feeling that was.  I kept pointing it out to my husband, He is such an angel he got excited for me every time.

After my silly exercise debacle (see last entry) I haven't tried to do additional exercises at all apart from my doggie walks.  I will need to start that up soon (see me pep-talk myself here?  haha)

I changed my goal to 150 instead of 140.   I am a curvier person than 140 and I think that will be just too skinny for me.  150 is a nice round number, and it gives me 7 pounds of leeway to stay within normal BMI range.

I've gotten loads of clothes from Old Navy. I look like I invest in the place :)  Not even XL on everything, I have some large pieces. So crazy!

PATHETIC!

Let me just start this by saying, "I know, I know BABYSTEPS" and "start easy, and pace yourself".  Yadda yadda yadda.  So I am not *really* down on myself here.  This is just some tongue-in-cheek ranting about my [complete lack of] fitness and oh so wonderful first day of my new especially-designed easy-mode exercise program.

So I made an exercise plan over the past 2 weeks while I had a cold and couldn't start it yet.  I think the plan was pretty solid.  Morning walk with the dogs daily like I do every day (20 minutes); then after work, another 20 minute walk, then stretching (I have a great sheet printed out with like 20 stretches that gets your whole body).  3 days a week, I would do free weight (5 pounds) and floor exercises; I had 20 exercises printed out and ready to go.  The other 3 days I would use my awesome new "Bellydancing 101" DVD and start having some fun!  7th day would be rest and/or longer walk day with the pups.  Sounds solid, right?

So today began day 1 of this new great plan, let me give you my one word review on the state of my fitness: PATHETIC and maybe also LAUGHABLE.

This is what I managed to accomplish: Both walks, that's easy.  Broke out into an frakkin' sweat just doing the stretches.  I was hoping to do 1 set of 10 reps on each of the 20 exercises. I got through 10 exercises people.  TEN.  I couldn't even do 10 reps on all of them!  I could only do 5 push ups, and a couple of the upper arm exercises just killed me.  If hubby wasn't helping me keep form, I would have failed miserably on the forearm exercises too.  My muscles were twitching.  I was giggling like a loon at the seeming futility of the whole thing.

And so, I am back trackign a baby step.

New plan: 2 walks a day. 3 days a week, upper body free weight exercises (all 10 of them, yep).  3 days a week lower body floor exercise (the other 10).  7th day Bellydancing maybe, prolly just settle for the longer walks for now.

Exercise? It's time.

What a nice surprise to have a big week!  Of course, I will still under par for the month as a whole - but again, still ahead of the game with a 10 pound loss!

I felt so good about the weight loss that I did what I told myself I wouldn't do - I went clothes shopping, at Old Navy no less.  Not only did I fit into their shirts and skirts and sundresses, I don't even wear the largest size. WHAT?!!  SO awesome.  I almost started crying as I was trying on the clothes from a normy store :)  Their jeans are a joke though. I couldn't even get the 20s over my thighs.  Maybe it is my thighs that are the joke...  I also cleaned out my closet further.  I have 2 big bags to take to the Good Will, plus a couple of coats.  That is one thing I still need to go get - new sweaters and jackets.  I am swimming in all of my old warm gear.

I had a dream this weekend (the second time I had the same dream actually) that when I visited my family, they saw no difference in weight loss and didn't mention it. It was really a stressful and sad dream.  I guess I am more pumped then I thought about my grand unveiling in August to a group of people that don't even know I am "dieting".

I caught myself driving with my foot up on the seat in front of me yesterday.  That is the way I always used to drive cos it is comfy. I don't know when I stopped doing that - I guess why my tummy got too big to allow room to do that.  But it was natural and comfortable when I did it this weekend.

I am gearing up for increasing my exercise.  I've already increased my morning walks.  I am adding afternoon walks (same length) which hubby has agreed to come on with me which will be my warm-up.  Then stretching - I have a nice sheet printed out which has about 15 stretches to do.  I bought 5 pound free weights, and have picked 15 or so exercise to do which will be my routine 3 days a week.  On the other 3 days, I bought a belly dancing DVD to start doing.  And then 1 day of rest / free choice (maybe longer walks for the doggies) As soon as this damn cold is over, that is.  Nine days and counting. Lame.

So why Belly dancing?  I don't know how I found it - I think it was an accidental click on youtube - but OMG I am in LOOOOVE with belly dancing, and how sexy and gorgeous the moves are.  And there is all this fusion belly dancing that is so amazing to watch.  I know I will never be able to move like these women, but seriously, endeavoring to try looks like so much fun!  Some links as examples: Sadie (traditional)  Rachel Brice (tribal fusion) Another Brice Industrial-fusion I could watch these videos all day.

The Inevitble Slow Down

Three weeks in a row of 2 pound loss.  I want to boo and hiss and stomp my feet.  My loss has been a heroic 15 pounds a month for the last 5 months running so this is a let down.  However, my brain is telling me that this is the way it should have been all along.  They say that 8 pounds a month is really the maximum that should be lost per month. So I suppose that I should be grateful that I might be at max.  It does offset my mighty hopes of being 100 down by the time I go on vacation in July.  Still might be 100 down by  the time I see my family for the first time since changing my eating habits, though! they have no idea I have even lost any weight so I am quite looking forward to the reactions.

And in any case, I am down 3 sizes, my skin looks effing great, and I've lost 3 bra sizes across the back(and realized my cup size is actually 3 times BIGGER than what I have been wearing).  Too much to be happy about to let a silly change in loss of rate get me down or lead me astray.

Defying the Odds

This is another post that is a direct copy from my response on the 3fc boards (although I may flesh it out later as there are some thoughts here I'd like to think more about).

A question was posted "what motivates you do keep fighting to 'defy the odds'?" regarding regaining plus more once you lose all the weight.  This was my response:
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For me (and I hope that when I get to the point of maintenance my mindset remains), I don't look at what I am doing right now as only dieting, because that something that isn't forever, ergo it is something that can be stopped (which would lead to weight gain). Yes, right now I am very strictly counting calories, but in doing so I am learning appropriate portion sizes, and learning which food is high calorie, vs. what I can get away with eating a lot of. I am rethinking food, what food means to me, how much I need to eat vs how much (and what) I just WANT to eat.

I think I was brought up in a household - and society -that looks at food as more than sustenance.  My entire family turns to food comfort, to ease boredom, and as a source of entertainment. I was never taught that "you are what you eat".

Additionally, I had no idea that all those skinny people that you see stuffing their faces will eat light the next few days and maybe exercise more to make up for the splurge. This was a revelation! I thought that everyone stuffed face day in and day out, like I did since that was all I ever saw. I thought I was broken and hence never really tried to lose weight as I figured it was a lost cause.

So, with all of this in mind (and I realize this was a completely circuitous response to the original query) the way I am going to defy the odds is that I am going to use my noggin with all this knowledge I now have and I am not going to let the bad habits I was raised with get in the way of what I intellectually know is just plain wrong.

Random NSV catch-up

I had a "bad" loss last week, only -1.6, which I know is dreamy to most people, but I have been having such a great rate of weight loss that this smaller loss makes me feel funny.  Add that to a change in my thyroid meds (it looks like I have been taking too much since January, which probably accounts for the higher rate of loss, and now that it has been adjusted, my losses will probably be smaller from here out BOO).

So, with that in mind and as a way to keep me on track, here is a list of recent NSVs!  (Some of which I am going to be really non-descriptive about as it is really personal and more for me to remember, ha!):

• I can cross my legs, albeit I do have to use my leg muscles to hold it there.  I can put my foot on my knee though, both sitting and standing!
• Doc informed me on Monday I am not diabetic anymore as of 4/28/10. This is HUGE
• While in the shower, I can reach places I couldn't (easily, and without acrobatics anyway...) before
• More fun husband-y things have become available.  weeeeeeee
• I got a size 14 skirt! And wore it to work yesterday!  It has an elastic waistband, but whatevs.
• My 18/20 jeans are getting loose in the thighs and waist.  Not time to trade down yet, but I'm getting there
• Been getting some more compliments lately.
• Above skirt was from Target, and still in the woman's section, but the smallest size in the woman's section.
• Last night I had my arm resting on my hips when laying on my side and I felt my hip bone.  CRAZY
• I can trim my toenails without having to hold my breath while sitting at a crazy angle and sort of approach the toes from the side and hope I get a straight cut
• My wedding band is getting super loose.  Ive caught it in the middle of my finger once or twice now.  Gotta be careful.
• My Uggs are no long cutting off the circulation in my calves. They are actually loose on them and I have been wearing them more.  And I can walk in them all day long and not have sore feet
• Not having sore feet in general, for me, is amazing considering I have had bad feet for FOREVER
• I'm catching men looking at me now, and not with the curiosity of someone looking at a circus freak.  There is attraction there.
• Had to get rid of some more clothes that are simply too big to wear in public.  My favorite jammie bottoms are about to be lost forever.  I will miss them.  Shopping time soon! I'm still waiting for the July trip though to make wardrobe purchases.

I suppose that is enough for now.  Good stuff to reflect on when the stupid scale is slower than optimal.
 

Changing Body Image

I feel like I am not obsessing on the weight loss so much these days.  I think this is a a really positive turn of events.  The last 4+ months I have been thinking my body and numbers on the scale almost constantly.  I have also stopped thinking about food ALL the effing time.  It has always been the case with me that if I was not actively eating, I was thinking about what I could eat next.  With my lifestyle change, I was still thinking about food all the time, just healthier food, what I was going to make, and did I have enough healthy alternatives in the house to make sure that if I got the munchies I would be taken care of.

I havn't even been bothering getting on the scale more then 2-3 times a week lately, whereas I was on that stupid thing at least once a day at the beginning.  Good stuff!

I am starting to have body image issues though.  Don't scoff! I have been morbidly obese my entire adult life and I came to a very comfortable place with myself with the "I am who I am" approach and when I looked at the mirror, I didn't see a fatty, I just saw me and didn't think about the rolls of flesh.  When I look at the mirror now, all I see is the roll of flab around my middle, and the dropping pockets of fat at my inner thigh, and how fraking big my upper arms are.  I miss my innocent self that could look in the mirror and just say, "hey there is me!" and instead says "Jupiter's cock! you are so fat still and you have lost 72 pounds!".  Sad. 

I was talking to a woman in my office (one of my biggest supporters in this journey actually.  Between my two office mates who are also watching their figures, and all the folks at 3fc I have the raddest support system) about clothes. I am close to needing the next size down again.  I am going to try to wait until July when I go out of town.  I am guessing I will firmly be in the next size down then and I can splurge and buy a few nice outfits.  

Anyway, office mate and I were discussing Good Will as an option and I expressed my concern that I didn't think Good Will would have a decent variety of plus sized clothing.  She looked at me funny and informed me that when I am one more size down, I am no longer going to be plus sized.  Why this struck me as so crazy, I don't know, but it did, and it does.  Where the hell am I going to shop! I've been in exclusively Lane Bryant and Torrid for 10+ YEARS.  I checked Old Navy and apparently their XL is actually size 18-20 which is what I am moving out of.  Going to shop at different stores seems really scary to me.  I can't wrap my head around it.  Am I ridiculous?  My little safety bubble (of fat, as it were) is slowly being honed away and I feel at a loss.