Even the Mighty Shall Fall

That is a bit of an overstatement, but the guilt makes me feel this way! (So say we all!)  Guilt is bad! Bad, bad bad!  But I have a Jewish mother so it is not to be helped.

This post is coming from a headspace where I have been thinking of myself as this unstoppable health machine.  I didn't "get" how people could fail so hard, so fast (I read lots of weight loss stories on 3fc).  It has never occurred to me that I would have a set back, or struggle with moving forward and maintaining my journey.  Or even come to a place where I would feel any amount of guilt for any reason because I am awesome (and totally not at all full of myself LOL)

Anyway...

I gave myself permission to eat what I wanted over the Thanksgiving holiday.  My father was in town, and is eating similar to the way I eat (he is on the Paleo diet these days). This means that I got to cook food that I eat and show off my cooking skills, which are pretty terrific if I do not say so myself.  The following were my dinner menus for the 2 nights he was in town:

Thanksgiving Dinner:

• Roasted Chicken with Onion and Fennel gravy (made from the drippings and the veggies it was cooked with; no flour or additional fats) 
• Simple Roasted Root Veggies (Rutabaga, Beets, and Sweet Potato)
• Mashed Cauliflower with Roasted Garlic
• Pan Seared Brussels Sprouts with Bacon
• Apple-Spice Cranberry Sauce
• Mandarin-Pomegranate Cranberry Sauce
• Punkin Pice Cream (my personal recipe, made with Butternut Squash this time)

Friday Dinner:

• Bouillabaisse (with clams, mussels, cod, squid, and shrimp we picked up fresh from the Half Moon Bay Fish Market)
• Roasted Turnip Rounds
• Black-Bean Brownies with Cocoa Nibs

For the whole weekend I did not count calories, and I did not tell myself "no" even when what I wanted was a big ol' spoonful of coconut butter.  My portions during meals were normal for me, but I snacked long and hard.  I even had some butter on my popcorn!  And slices of sheep's milk Parmesan from the farmers market!

So, while I did not break down entirely and eat off my personal list of allowable (ie, no sugar, no bread, no alcohol, nothing terrible for me... except those couple of bites of crispy chicken skin which I normally would stay WELL away from)  I am quite positive that I went over my calorie allottment.  Probably 5-fold.  I honestly don't even really want to know how far I set myself back just from this one weekend of gluttony.  I never ate 'til I felt sick, which is a personal triumph (I think I have only done that 2-3 times since starting my journey).  But, I also ate when not hungry.  It was like this little devil on my tongue and in my brain that was saying eat! eat!eat!

So now I am in damage-control mode.  Since September, I have been in maintenance calorie range (for me, that is 1800 calories when I am not exercising).  I have no idea how many calories I need to make up for from this weekend, but my plan is to stay in the 1200-1300 range until my weight drops 1 pound from where I started, and maintain that pound loss for a week, before I go back into the 1800 maintenance mode.  In this way, I know I will have "fixed" what I did this weekend. I predict that I can drop that pound in 2-3 weeks and then another week to see if it "takes".

That, in a nutshell, is my next mini-goal.  Stay on this track for 1 month.  1200 is loooow and hard for me.  I have been having dizzy / tired / sicky spells almost every day if I do not get the appropriate amount of protein in me.  Balancing the need to eat protein every couple of hours against staying this low is a challenge.  I managed it yesterday.  I can only hope for as good of results for the next month.

One weird thing that has come up in the last 48 hours for me, mentally, is that this strict control on what I am putting in my mouth makes me feel better.  In maintenance mode, I have felt like little nibbles were OK.  Now I am not feeling that that is the case. And I just feel more in control in general.  I guess I am an all or nothing person.  I will have to think on that further...

The Final Push?

They aren't kidding about the last few pounds being the hardest.  This journey has not been truly difficult until the last few months, and even then, I know it is because I am not a patient person.  I accepted the slow down and pushed myself harder.  I've tried different calories, and have been keeping up with exercise. 

Last time I wrote, I was cutting down my calories to around 1200 - the lowest you are supposed to go.  I found I was getting very tired, and I was cold a LOT more. But, I did lose like 6 pounds that month.  Regardless of the success, I just don't have it in me to have that low of energy in my body.  So then I upped it to 14-1600, but the reality is I was doing more like 1800 because I get great satisfaction from having a dessert at night (a hot cup [or 3] of almond milk with Torani's sugar free flavored syrup, or a bowl of my NiceCream - frozen fruit blended with Stevia and almond milk, then topped with a tablespoon or 2 of coconut butter).  The result of that is that I have been stuck at the same weight for about a month now.  It seems that 1600-1800 is going to be my maintenance calorie number.  

Now, I know I am gaining muscle.  My arms and shoulders have definition and my thighs are pretty solid (under the remaining loose skin and fat) so there is a good chance that I am replacing some fat with muscle, but I am just not satisfied.  The intellectual in me KNOWS this is stupid. Numbers on the scale are just numbers and don't really mean much in the grand scheme of things when you are talking overall fitness.  But, I really want the satisfaction of seeing that I am in the "normal" BMI category which means I need to lose 10 pounds somehow.

I can see the excess fat anyway - so I won't be truly satisfied until the fat is gone.  If it is all replaced with muscle I would be quite happy - I would love to end up ripped :)  But, that is an aspect of my journey I am just starting to ponder and won't peruse it further until the fat is off.

I need to do a final push that I can really focus on so I am switching up my meals to have a less caloric breakfast (I got it down to 276 which includes my almond-mik in my coffee and my flax seed supplements, from 401). In this way, I think I can stick to 1400 for reals, and still have a dessert drink at night (probably not my NiceCream, but that's OK). I have to admit that I am hungry now because of this change, but it is almost lunch time.

Another thing I want to do is start running more, but the only way to do that on my schedule is to get a treadmill so I can run in the am - so this is a semi long-term goal as I need to save $$ before that can happen.  Those freaking things are EXPENSIVE but I think it will be worth it in the long run. Pun intended.

So here a very cool thing: I put on a size 4 skirt this weekend and I was able to zip it all the way up (it was tight, adn there was overhang, but that sipper was all the way up!).  CRAZY TALK.  I am in a 6 jeans now.  I hope I can get this excess flab under the loose skin off so I can actually get into a 4. 8 was my dream size, 6 was my wishful thinking size.  I never thought about 4 until now...

Doin' Great and Feelin' Fine!

It seems that the reduction of calories and increasing my activity has kick started my weight loss again.  HORAY!

Since I last posted, I have started jogging a FULL 5k (3.1+ miles) 3 times a week.  How cool is that!?  When I started, it was taking me roughly 42 minutes.  Now I am doing 38-39 minutes.  I am not pushing myself, it is jut sort of naturally speeding up on it's own, which is super cool.  I have also been good about my toning DVD and hilly walk on my non-run days.  And even about letting myself have a rest day when it is needed, usually just 1 day a week, but it is sometimes 2 days.

My hair is feeling and looking so much better.  It is not an tangled mass of thin straw anymore.  It is very silky.  I am not really seeing an increase in thickness of it yet;  if there is going to be thick increase, I won't see that for MONTHS as it starts growing back in.  But, I have noticed that my nails are growing at a phenomenal rate.  I hope that means the same is happening on my head.

It is REALLY hard for me to stick to 1200 calories a day, but I am trying hard.  I am letting myself have a bigger day on one weekend day (1500-1600) just to keep my body guessing.  I am far from perfect on this though.  My last week as been like this, calorie-wise:
Thur 1128
Fri 1181
Sat 1623
Sun 1259
Mon 1306
Tues 1364
So I have definite room for improvement since the average there is 1310.  It is just so hard since my breakfast is roughly 550 calories, I only have 700ish to spread across 2 more meals, and I usually want a snack - but I have been trying not to have one since that is always the reason my days go over 1200.  Oh well.. there is always room for improvement and this is where mine is right now.

Not much else is happening weight journey wise.  In non-related news, we are moving along with the house. Contractors have been coming out and I am expecting the bids to come pouring in soon.  We move in less than 2 months.  Exciting stuff!  This is my first home that is MINE - not rented, and not my parents.  So weird.

Until next time...

Wishy-Washy, Determined, or Re-evaluation Savvy?

I can't do it - I can't stop my weight-loss journey when I am 24 pounds from high-maintenance weight.  My friend told me I have mental issues and should seek help because I felt guilty about eating 1600-1800 calories.  I think she may be jealous (I think this is the case for other reasons than that one statement - she said a couple of nasties to me yesterday, but I am OK with it.  I know I have done something amazing here and it is bound to cause an issue with the person who was used to being the "thin" one in the relationship.)

So, knowing that I am not ready to stop regulating my calorie intake, but also have more than a little concern about my hair thinning due to mal-nutrition issues, I have done some re-working of current plans and short term goals.

I am being diligent bout taking my Healthy Skin & Hair-Nails supplements twice a day (never read that I was supposed to have it twice a day on the label before. Duh) and my multivitamin and calcium at night.  I have also added Flax Seed oil supplements to my routine (30 extra calories a day - worth it if it helps my hair).  I am committed to having salmon twice a week - which is no skin off my back. I love me some salmon.  And I am committed to protein in every meal.  I am having a harder time adding fat to every meal, but I think my flax seed supplements will take care of that need.  Also, I went out and spent a LOT (to me) of money on some special shampoo and conditioner that is made for thin hair, Nioxin.

My calorie commitment is 1200 a day.  Yup, I knocked it way the hell down.  I hope the last month of 16-1800 is going to break the plateau I was in, and now this deficit will get the ball rolling.  So far, day 1 of my new commitment (July 5) I managed 1380 - whoops.  Day 2 I did 1169 - much better!  Of course, I am going out to lunch today with a co-worker, so who knows what today will be, but I will try to keep it light (side salad and ceviche should be under 400 leaving my dinner free to be 400).

My exercise routine is going along well.  Every other day I am jogging 32:30 which is about 2.5 miles, then a 3minute break, then another 6.5 mins / .5 miles to finish up.  On off days, I have been following a Jackie somethingorother DVD with the free weights on abs and upper body for 30 minutes, then a 40 minute hill climb (an elevation change of + 400 feet in 1 mile of road)  in my neighborhood with the mutts.  That said, I am listening to my body, and if I am feeling worn down, I take a break day.  So far it has seemed like I do 3-4 workouts in a row, and then my body wants a rest day.  I am good with that.

New short term goal:  I am visiting the hubs family the first weekend of November.  It would be great to lose 4 pounds a month until then.  So my wishful goal is to be 152 by the first weekend of November.  I am still firmly in size 10, but can't wait for my jeans to start loosening up a bit so I can be in single digit clothing.  That's gonna be a weird day ;)

Until next time (and who knows what changes I will have made by then LOL)

Some scary decisions

My experimental higher calorie two weeks went really well.  I did feel like I was over indulging and went up to 1900 calories on some days (heh - that makes me feel wicked just saying it LOL).  I noticed that I did start having regular BMs almost immediately.  The next fortnight I am supposed to be dropping down to 1200 calories a day to make up for the higher calories weeks.  My plateau also broke, and I dropped down to 164.6 by the end of the 2 weeks

But, here is the decision I made.  I am not going to drop down that far.  In fact, I am upping my calories to 1600.  I think I am have been "hurting" myself for being so low, and so strict, for 18 months.  Between my hair thinning tremendously (I read this is from too low of fat), the BM issue, and the fact that I freezing cold all the time (not enough calories to spare to heat myself from my best guess) I am not doing something right.  My nutrition or something is all screwy.

So,  with a heavy sigh, I am going to put the breaks on the weight loss aspects of my healthy journey.  I am going into a weight maintenance mode for a while.  My concentration for the next while is going to be on 1) getting the nutrients (fat and protein mostly) that I need 2) changing up the exercise plan so I can start toning up some of this flab and 3) figuring out how to eat smaller, but more caloric, foods (that is, learning to STOP being a bulk eater).  I will still weigh myself of course, but I don't expect to see the number going down very much anymore.  I was hoping to be 140 by the end of this year, but that is no longer my goal.  My goal will be to get down to a size 8.  If that happens reasonably soon, I'll start working towards a size 6.

In a nutshell, the healthy goals for now are:

• Daily Calories 1600-1800 (current RMR is around 2100)
• Daily (good) fat intake: 53-60g
• Protein: 50g -60g
• Be better about taking my nighttime vitamins, and add cod liver oil
• Jogging - keep up what I am doing now (3.5 miles every other day, jog/walking)
• Free weight toning, plus hill climb with dogs on non-jogging days

Until next time :)

Half the woman I used to be. Literally.

I am reposting this here for posterity. I posted this over at 3FC in the mini-goals photo sections. the response over there has been so heartwarming, it makes me want to cry!

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I had a deal with myself that when I reached this mini-goal, I would post my pictures. I have been bouncing between 166.4 and 170 for 6 weeks now (trying to kick my first plateau while I was straddling this HUGE goal has been really discouraging, but I sallied forth!) This morning, I hopped on the scale and finally saw my magic number: 166 pounds which is also the amount of weight I have lost thus far. I weigh exactly half of what I weighed 18 months ago.

I still have 26 pounds to lose before I reach the "normal" BMI category. I am calling 140 lbs my 'high maintenance' weight. I am not sure how low I want to go weight-wise. I do know that I would like to get down to a size 6 (currently a size 10, down from a 26/28W), although I am pretty muscular so that may not be possible.

The pics are posted in the pictures area (see tabs above):

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In January 2010 I had had enough. I weighed 332 lbs, was diagnosed as diabetic (just barely over the line for that diagnosis), had fatty liver disease, and had trouble walking a block. I lived with aches and pains day in and day out (I realized this later - at the time, I just thought pain and discomfort were part of everyone's life). I was also scared that my husband, who is 12 years younger than me, would be left wifeless at an early age if I didn’t straighten up and get healthy. I toyed with the idea of surgery but after a couple of days of investigating, I realized that that was not a healthy option for me. Although I had never attempted to "diet" before, I knew I could make healthy life changes that would result in weight loss. I have called what I am doing my "sheer strength of will plan" from day one.

I started clean eating and calorie counting (about 1400 a day, but that number has varied over time). I stopped consuming sugars, white flour products, and 95% of processed foods in general. I limited meat to 4oz or less a day. The reason I went the clean eating route was pretty simple: with only 1400 calories allotted, I had to be able to fit in all the nutritional requirements our bodies need in a compact way. I used Superfoods RX and In Defense of Food as my manuals for proper eating. Additionally, I am a bulk eater - I love the feeling of being full (which is actually a habit I am trying to break now, but that is a subject for a different post). The easiest way to get full on fewer calories is to eat loads of veggies, which I do to the tune of 9-12 servings a day. It helps that I LOVE to cook, and I am really good at it. I have been able to make really great meals using mostly veggies, very little oil, and healthy alternatives to higher calorie ingredients.

Within a month of making these changes, I was down 27 pounds and was no longer diabetic. I lost 137 pounds in the first year on eating habits alone. Three months ago I had an MRI done and my fatty liver striations and tumors have cleared up, so I am no longer considered having fatty liver disease. I could list a lot of negative things here that I no longer have; my list of "things I didn't know I couldn't do but now that I can I am amazed" would be twice as long.

In January 2011 I started to exercise. I started just by taking 20 minute walks. Then I added some distance. Soon, I added small bursts of light jogging. I started out at 15 seconds of jogging followed by 8 minutes of walking for 4 cycles. I thought I was going to die Over time, I added to the jogging by 30 seconds, while taking away from the walking and have continued this pattern. Today, I jog for 32 minutes, walk for 3 minutes and then finish with another 6.5 minute jog (about 3.5 miles total). I do this every other day. My goal is to be able jog the whole distance and once that is reached, I will start working on speed. I am trying to work up the motivation to add free weight toning on my off-running days, but I am having a really hard time starting.

Shaking Things Up

I think I need to shake things up with my diet and exercise routine. I feel like I have just stumbled upon my first real plateau. This is what my weight ups and downs have looked like in the past month:

May 8: 167.8 (-3.0)
May 15: 170.2 (+2.8)
May 22: 167.6 (-3.0)
May 29: 168.4 (+0.8)
June 5: 166.4 (-2.0)
net = (-1.4) in 4 weeks

My calorie intake is right around 1400 a day (sometimes I go slightly over, and just as often I go under). My BMR should be 1500ish. I should easily be losing a pound a week, and more so considering how much running I have been doing.

After doing a lot of reading, it seems that my body may just be used to my routine after doing pretty much the same things for the last 18 months. So, here is my shake it up plan, using methods that I have read about which seemed to help people break plateaus.

June 4 - June 18 = Increase daily calorie intake 1600 to 1800 a day, making sure to get lots of good fats and see if that makes a difference in my BM habits. Stick with the same amount of exercise (2 miles running, 1 mile walking, every other day). I will not be surprised if I don't lose any weight in the next two weeks. I think even at 1800 there should not be any gain (there better not be...)

June 19 and onwards: Crackdown time! Calories back down to 1200-1400 a day. Limit fruit to 2 servings a day (ie apple or strawberries for breakfast, prunes with lunch). Lunch to be protein and veggies. Dinner protein and veggies. (If calories allow, Punkin P-ice cream is back on the map). Try not to eat past 8pm (this is hard for me since I exercise after work and don't generally get back home until 6:30 which means dinner isn't even done 'til 7pm, but I'm going to try). Snacking and tasties will need to stop. I account for them, but it will be added calories I wont have any longer.

Exercise: free-weight toning DVDs have been acquired, so will begin these on the off days from running. Will start pushing for longer run time vs the walk portion.

Also, I am officially in size 10 jeans. Freaking crazy talk!

Living

Gosh I didn't notice that a whole month+ has passed since my last blog post! Time is just flying by.

Not a lot has changed since my last post.  I did make it to "overweight" status 2 weeks ago, so that's awesome!  I really put an emphasis on the word "overweight" vs "obese" in my last post.  Now that I am on other side of the goal, I feel differently.  The BMI scales are so ridiculous that I don't put all that much celebration in the status itself, it's just another goal I met in my long list of goals :)  Weirdness to have that change of heart.

I weighed in at 167.8 last weekend, a mere 1.8 pound from my huge 166 goal.  Of course, now I am back up to 170.2 as of a couple days ago.  My eating has been fine, although I did have a couple days where my calories were up around 1500.  I also had a couple days in the 1100s, so it's not fat weight, its either water weight, muscle weight, or poop.

TMI moment: I don't poop nearly enough.  I feel bloated and gassy and full like ALL the time.  I think it is because I have almost 0 fat intake. I am trying to remedy that by having 2% yogurt (instead of fat free) at lunches, and trying to use more oil when I make stir-frys (instead of dry pans or sprays) but it's not really helping.  I think I may start drinking prune juice, but I really hate squandering calories on juice.  Honestly, only having a BM once every 3 or 4 days, and it not being very much is really starting to get tiring.  So I may just have to trade off dessert for juice a couple times a week =( Sucketh.

About the idea it may be muscle weight, I have really upped my exercise regimen a lot in the last 5 weeks.  I am doing 6:30-7:00 mins of jogging (which I lovingly refer to as my grandma jog because it is slow and ponderous still at this point) to 1-1:30 mins of walking now, which is roughly two full miles over 30 minutes. How cool is that?! I have also changed my route in that I am on a trail with quite a bit of elevation change for two of the cycles.  In addition, I found a hiking trail that I am trying to hit on my off days which is a 700 foot elevation change over 2 miles (give or take), so its a HUGE workout on my legs.  I have only done it a couple times now due to the stupid rain, but it is a regimen that I am looking forward to keeping up.  In any case, my legs are getting pretty solid under this layer of fat!

I found myself thinking about discovering these hikes and nature paths due to me getting out to exercise.  And more importantly, being physically able to make it the 3/4 mile to the path, and up the huge 700 ft hill to the hike area.  I feel like I am finally living, maybe for the first time ever.  That sounds weird and cliche, but I can't think of something better.  Being physically able to do stuff I couldn't do before is liberating.  This is a whole new world and it is exciting for me to discover I am doing something I would never have thought possible before.

My next goal, aside from 166, is to keep up with the hikes, add another mile to my runs (and switch my route back to the flat surface street while I work up to it before switching back to the trail.. that shit is HARD), and be able to fit in 10s, if I am not already in 10s.  I haven't gone to try on clothes in a long while to know my size.  Maybe a visit to somewhere is in order and see if my goal needs to be to fit into 8s.  That would be rad.

The dreaded skin issues are really starting now.  It's so gross - but way better than when the skin was so fulll of fat.  Now, I still have plenty of weight to lose, so it's only going to get worse, but good gods, I have skin folds on my pubic region.  Nobody told me that was going to happen!  The underneath of my arms are starting to look like a stretched balloon after deflation, and my ass/thigh region is all wrinkly. I need a full friggen' body lift.  Oh and don't get me started on the boobs.  I used to be a 44H, now I am a 32DDD.  Talk about sagging... although, I did get a couple of terrific bras and they totally look great under clothes, so there is that.

In non-weight news, we made an offer on a house and it sounds like the bank accepted the offer.  We are going to hear about it very soon methinks.  Very exciting!  Between the health and weight loss lifestyle (which is both time and mentally consuming), switching gears into home remodel/decor mode, and doing my jewelry making, my life is getting pretty hectic!

I'm almost overweight.

So, in 4 measly pounds, I will be out of the obese category.  The mind-bogglingness of this really can't be put into the written word.  I think one needs to experience for oneself how going from a "super-morbidly obese" adult down to "overweight" to really understand the impact of that little word.  Overweight.  People bemoan being overweight.  The bane of a lot of people's existence is being overweight.  And here I am, almost loopy with joy with the prospect of being overweight.  Even though in my brain I know that the BMI categories are complete hooey, it means SO MUCH to me, more than any other number has to this point.

The double whammy though is that my next big goal, after reaching the overweight category, is now 9 pounds away for me: a  weight of 166.  At 166 pounds, I will have also lost 166 pounds.  I will have indeed lost myself in weight.  When people say "you have lost a whole person" (and they do already) I can point to myself and say "Yep. I have lost THIS person".  I am excited to see how I feel on that day.  It is another mind-eff.   There will be celebratory photos taken!  I don't expect to reach that point for another 2 months though, so I need to calm the heck down ;)

My jogging is going well! I am up to 4:30 jog to 3:00 walk.  Of course, my last 2 runs have been lame.  Yesterday I got a serious case of heart burn and indigestion right when I left so I could only do half the jog, and my the last day before that I blew my knee out somehow and couldn't even walk that night let alone jog. 

Tonight is my first night I will be following a strength training CD I just purchased from Amazon.  All the reading I have done has been saying that cardio is not enough for total health and putting on some muscle will help with metabolism as well as sagging skin issues (and good gravy are there sagging skin issues.  In some spots,  I look like a 95 year old man who has spent his life in the Sahara).  I am not really wanting to do the gym thing since 1) I am lazy 2) I am cheap 3) I am moving soon so joining a gymlocal to me NOW might not be local to me in the next few months - so this video seems like a good alternative.  Stay tuned for updates on me trying to get some muscles (pronounced mus-CULS)!

Also, I am really dying for some chocolate cake (there has been a homemade cake sitting out on the credenza in my front office since 9am.  I have not touched it) and ice cream (husband made me go to Cold Stone yesterday so he could have a caramel shake. The kid behind the counter couldn't find the nutrition info for the Sinless ice cream so I opted not to partake and  just watched husband eat).  I don't normally have ridiculous junk-food cravings.  I have been chewing sweet (sugarless) gum like mad all day and it has helped somewhat.  Tonight I shall indulge in my fajita salad with a generous portion of frozen fruit "ice cream" for desert and wallow in my awesome self control  while fiddling with my now-prominent collar bones ;)

Until next time...

The March check in post

I am a jogger.

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I'm just letting that sink in for myself (seeing it in writing, that is) and for any of you readers.  How many posts in this blog talk about how good my eating has been, and then goes on to kick myself for not doing exercise?  I finally passed that hurdle.

Not only am I consistently jogging every other day, but I LIKE it.  I like it, and I LOOK FORWARD to it.  I feel like my brain has been transposed into someone else's head.  This is not something I would ever think would happen.  I hate exercise. I have always hated exercise.  Even in high school (graduated in 1992) in PE class I was the smart ass walking around the track when everyone else was running or sitting behind the hand ball courts while everyone else was playing volleyball.

I am going a very conservative Couch to 5k program.  When I started in mid-January, I was only able to jog for 30 seconds, then walk for 8 minutes (repeating that cycle 4 times).  I am up to 3 minutes of jogging to 5 minutes of walking now.  I am so impressed with myself.  When I get home and I have that hot, sweaty, euphoric feeling... I love it.  It is addicting!  It feels so good. Practically orgasmic.  I look forward to my running days on non-runnign days, and I look forward to getting out and getting my jog in on the day of.

Now, during the jog itself...  that is a whole different story.  When I am out there jogging, and its only been 2 minutes, and I have a whole minute left, you should hear the nasty horrible things I say to myself.  I call myself names for being such a wuss and being in so much pain.  I ask myself why the crap am I doing this to myself, to punish myself the way I am.  I try to convince myself that walking would give me the same caloric workout.  Oh the games we play.

Today is a jog day and I am jonesing to get home and get out there :)

I have been experimenting this month with food.  I dropped my morning oatmeal in favor of having an egg white omelette and then a yogurt midmorning.  I decided I was just not getting enough protein in my diet.  Now I feel like I am not getting enough whole grain since I am basically having none.  I have also been recording my daily weight which is something I haven't done at all.  It looks like I maintain/gain weight for the 2 weeks prior to my menses cycle starting, the slowly start losing as soon as it starts.  I will post results of the month long record on my next post so I can keep track of it.  It looks so discouraging being the same weight for 3 weeks now ... well, as of this morning I am the same weight I was 3 weeks ago.  I have been +2-4 pounds every morning in the interim.

My goal this year was to lose 4 pounds a month; I don't care if it is 1 pound a week or 4 pounds all at once.  This will keep me on track be in the 130s by the end of the year.  However, with this running.. I am getting muscles!  My sides are getting pretty solid under the layer of fat.  So, if my scale doesn't go down as planned, I am not even that concerned.  I can't keep my hands off this solid wall on my side ;)  My goal is really to get down to a size 8 by the end of the year, and if I can be a size 6 - that would be awesome (but that is my secondary goal, and may be too small for my frame-  time will tell).

I suppose that is all for now.  Nothing else much has changed since my last post.  We are still moving forward with house hunting.  I am still eating whole foods and getting 12-1400 calories a day (always closer to 1400 truth be told).

Until next time...

Time Keeps on Ticking

I was in a slump at the end of January as my weight went from 193.6, down to 188 in one week, and then shot back up to the 190s for 2 weeks in a row.  I posted on 3FC and got some wonderful insight and advice on how to get over a plateau, and look what happened! Two weeks later, and I am down to 183.2.  Happy days!

The best bit of advice was "push yourself harder at exercise" and I realized that - yeah - I wasn't pushing myself nearly hard enough.  I did start the conservative Couch to 5K, but I am doing it at my own pace.  You are supposed to move up increments every week, but I am moving up when I can, so its basically taking me 2 weeks per phase.  But the awesome news is, I can do 1:50 jogging and once I did 2:20 seconds! This is amazing to me and I feel SO accomplished.  I know it doesn't sounds like much (even to me if I think about it too much), but the fact that I have never exercised EVER and couldn't walk a block a year ago, my goodness.  I'm awesome!  I can't wait 'til I can go for 30 minutes.  I am going to feel great!

I never followed through on my WiFit every other day plan.  I am going to look for a DVD that has a free-weight toning routine for upper body and see if I can't follow through with that.

Another goal I am working on right now is to get grains out of my diet entirely and to up my protein intake.  I am hoping this is going to boost the last 50ish pounds of loss.  My realistic hopes is that by the end of this year I will be at goal.  My FANTASY is that it will only take half that time.  So, to try to achieve the fantasy, cutting carbs more seems to be a step in the right direction.

I hardly eat grains now except my morning oatmeal.  So my first step is to stop eating the oatmeal (cry) and switch to eggs in the morning.  I am also going  to forgo my half-sandwich lunch and start eating more yogurt and probably salad AND soup (instead of one or the other) and also up my legumes which I have been avoiding due to calorie count.  We will see how this goes.  It has been 13 months of oatmeal every morning and I am used to the feeling of fullness.  Lately though, I have been getting hungry at 11:00 and 4:00.  I think my added jogging has done this, and I need more calories (I'm only doing 1200-1400 now) but instead of upping calories, I'm going to try this shift of food stuffs.

In non-fat related news, we are looking for a house!  This is the first time in a year I have had my thoughts concentrated on something other than weight loss. It is strange.  I have devoted so much emotional time and energy to learning about nutrition and keeping track of calories, and now suddenly I find that I am thinking about ways to save money (still working on the dang down payment) and mortgages and if we can afford to live in the part of town we want to live in... it's a complete shift of perspective.  I am not NOT thinking about weight loss (obviously...).  It is just bizarre to have something else going on in the back of my mind all the time.

Until next time...

I was on track with exercise for 2011...

and immediately got derailed by a ridiculously bad cold!

I still feel pretty terrible, but at least at this point I can think cohesive thoughts and I don't feel like I am living in a fog or wading through jello (that is the best way I can describe the slooooow feeling this cold has given me).  As much as I loved spending time with my little nieces, perhaps letting the sickest one sleep in bed with me the first night while she hacked and coughed right in my face  for 6 hours wasn't the wisest of decisions.  But she is adorable, and I love her, so whatevs!

In any case, on Monday and Tuesday of last week, I took my 10  minute morning walks with the pups (5:30am UGH), and then my two 15-minute hilly walks during work breaks (and climbed 4 flights of stairs,  four times!).  Monday I did my Wiifit Yoga routine, and Tuesday I started my couch-to-5k (conservative) program.  And by Wednesday, I was knocked on my plentiful behind wheezing, runny nose, head ache, sore throat... the whole works.

Even though I am feeling better now (I will be doing my yoga tonight), I won't be getting back out in the cold weather to do my walk/run until my lungs stop feeling like they are trying to claw their way out of my chest.  I feel defeated and like I am letting myself down because I finally got myself pumped up to exercise, and I physically just CAN'T.  But, as the husband pointed out, just because I didn't start on  January 4 (my 1 year healthiversary) doesn't mean the rest of my year is screwed... I'm just off of my self-imposed schedule.

OK I pepped talked myself into feeling a little better about this.

For those curious, my exercise routine is as follows:
10 minute morning walk with the dogs
2x 15-minute walks during the day (during work breaks)
climb at least the 4 flights of stairs of my office building at least once a day
Tues, Thurs, Sat, work on couch to 5k (30 minutes of walk/run)
Wiifit Yoga for 30 minutes the other 4 days

If that routine doesn't do the trick of meeting my 2011 goal of  1 pound per week loss, then I am most likely going to be joining a gym to start weight training/toning.

One Year On Track (137 pounds lost!)

Copied over from 3fc but keeping it here for prosperity too (much less detail then I was actually planning on since I have everything here in the blog already, but still nice to have)
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On January 4, 2009 I set out to change my life.  I have never really dieted before, but I just knew a "diet" wouldn't work for me.  I needed a permanent lifestyle change that would be a FOREVER solution to my food issues.  After researching options, looking up the science behind weight loss, and reading up on nutrition, I started clean eating and calorie counting.

When I started, I told myself I would stay on track for 1 FULL year before giving up, and I would re-evaluate at that time.  So here I am, my most important mini goal has been met.  I have not had a cheat day/meal in 365 days, and I have a loss of 137 pounds to show for it (with very little exercise).  The nitty-gritty details of how I did it can be found on my blog, here.

Onto the pictures! (see photo page, here)

More importantly than looking better, here is a small smattering of some of the physical and health related changes I have since losing the weight:

• I can cut my toenails without holding my breath and leaning to the side to do so
• My feet don't hurt at the end of the day anymore
• I can easily climb 3 flights of stairs (and not even be winded!)
• I no longer wake up all night from sleep apnea
• Even better, I no longer wake up with stomach acid in my throat and lungs and don't have to down antacids before going to bed nightly
• My diabetes is gone
• The nerve pain I had running from my lower back and into my thigh is gone
• My NASH / fatty liver cleared up
• I barely break out anymore
• I can bend and stretch and move in ways that I didn't even know I couldn't do
• My hands don't fall asleep much anymore

My goal weight is still 55 pounds off, and I know that the next year is going to be more of a challenge then the last.  I have issues with getting enough exercise, but that must be my next step in order to reach my final goal, a "normal" BMI.

I suppose I could go on and hit ya'll with an even larger wall of text but I'll spare you :) My blog (link in my signature) holds all kinds of information if you are still interested though!

Thanks to you all for your motivation and kind words.  I don't think I could have done this without you 3FC chicks and roosters as a big portion of my support system.

Happy New Year and a New Me

The last year has gone by in a flash.  I look back and part of me thinks, "geez, that was so easy, why didn't you do it sooner?" and of course the answer is, "I wasn't ready yet."

On the other hand, if you would have told me last New Years Day, as I was shoveling gingerbread cookies (I ate an entire tin of 100 cookies between December 23 and Jan 2) in my mouth that I would be 137 pounds lighter in just a year, I would have laughed and said you were crazy!  I would definitely not have believed that such a huge weight loss could be done without surgery, without a specific diet, and without lots of exercise, and by me, Mrs. I See-It-So-I-Must-Eat-It. 

The weird part is, and I don't really like to tell people this when they ask me about my journey... it has been easy.  The most problem I have has was the week before the holiday break from work when folks brought in home-made baked goods.  I did not allow myself to have any, but, I broke down into tears like a psychopath. I wrote about it on 3fc. 

When I decided to start this journey, I set out to do this 100%. I figured, why go to a partial effort? So, that's the way I have approached every single day.  When I feel temptation, I go through a mental check and balance: If I eat X, then this is the result.  And then I either have the item, or I don't depending on what it is.  I say 'no' to certain things though (sugar, breads that aren't whole grain, rice) and am honest with myself about the consequences of over-eating (if I have 2 tablespoons of cashew butter now, I cannot have popcorn later). It has worked for me.


I think my real challenge with this weight loss process is about to start and I am nervous about the coming year.  I am not going to be having the automatic encouragement of seeing weight melting off with almost zero effort (other than not eating like I have 2 butt-holes, as my dear friend Chris once put it hehehe).  There are new changes I need to make, and it is a challenge that I have not really had to face. As anyone who has kept up on this blog knows, exercise is my downfall.

If I want to make it to 140 by this time next year, I am really going to have to start motivating myself to figure out an exercise I like doing or else I am just going to have a super hard time.  I try to do my walking EVERY day, but I am finding myself with excuses more often than not.  I have my wiiFit that I have used all of twice since getting it at the beginning of February. I also know that I should really be doing some strength training for toning, just to start getting some shape happening here because so far, I am pretty lumpy under all of this fat. The most developed part of my musculature are my huge solid calves what with having to carry around a third of a TON all of my adult life (geez that sounds terrible, but it's the ugly truth).

I don't really like the idea of New years Resolutions, but I certainly have a few goals I would like to meet in 2011:
1) get down to "normal" weight for my height, 140 pounds (lose 54.8 pounds)
2) get an exercise routine down
  2a) do couch to 5k/ start running
  2b) get some strength training in / join gym?
3) make a friend that I know IRL and not just online/ maybe an exercise partner? (any of you readers in the Bay Area?  LOL)

So Happy New Year to a New Me! Hopefully next year I will be able to greet myself in exactly the same way :)