I have so much on my mind, I don't know where to start or how to make this post sound like anything sensical.  You will just have to bear with whatever it is that I manage to spew out. =)

I spend a lot of time beating myself up over what I have eaten.  Yes, I have been doing that since the day that I stopped losing weight and slowly started gaining (a lovely grand total of 82 pounds gained since winter 2011. Pathetic).

These self-punching-bag sessions usually start at about 4am when I inevitably wake up in the morning (with an hour and a half to spare grrrrr).  Horrible thoughts just start spinning around - why did you eat that?  Why couldn't you control yourself?  Why did you not count calories like you promised yourself you would?  Why?  why WHY?  Fast-forward to that very evening and I am at the peanut butter jar again. It is an ugly, viscous cycle that I have been trying to get a handle on for 3 fucking years, and I have been failing all along.

Some good things though:  I am still sugar-free.  And I am very very low carb still - no bread, no rice, no potatoes, the only fruit I eat is berries, sparingly, and only the lower carb veggies (so no carrots or red peppers etc).  I have had 1 "cheat" weekend in an effort to rev up my metabolism (fail...) and I think 2 other occasions where I ate crackers.  Other than that, I am on track with WHAT I eat.  I know the problem is HOW MUCH I eat of everything that is on my "ok" list.

I am hoping that knowing the problem and attempting to address it will help me in getting back to the healthier person I was 3 years ago.  I think the other part of my problem is a lack of accountability.

First and foremost, I don't hold myself accountable "in the moment"; this accountability always come out in the aforementioned middle-of-the-night ranting..  So,  I need to work on being in the moment when I am about to eat something and really deciding if I need it, if I want it, or am just on autopilot and shoving food down my throat out of habit.  I fear that this is really the root of my problem.  I am convinced I have a mental condition that just wants me to put food in my mouth and damn the consequences.

Second, keeping track of calories is hard. And annoying.  And I am terribly lazy.  I worked sooooo hard in the years I was losing weight, tracking every morsel and all.  It wore me down to a nub.   I have my breakfast and lunch (during the work week) down to a science.  I have exactly 522 calories every day before leaving for home in the evenings.  I have been on this schedule for about a month now and it is working.  I am hoping that I can commit to myself to track calories for just the half day after I leave my office.

Third, when I was losing the weight in the first place, I not only had TONS of goals (now I only have 1: get back to where I was) but I also had these mean little thoughts about "proving" my mom and my doctor wrong that I would never lose weight.  So, there was a lot of outwardly-directed anger that was actually pretty helpful.  Now all my anger is directed inward and I feel like that is working against me.

So, as of this morning my plan is pretty simple: 1) stay in the moment when eating, and 2) count the calories that make it into my mouth while 3) being accountable, not angry, at myself and 4) lean on the support that I have been ignoring for the past years i.e. 3FC threads.  and maybe 5) come up with some goals.

Now I am tired and feel spent, really thinking about all of this and then writing it all down.

One day at a time I suppose.

If anyone out there is actually reading this, I could use any support you feel like giving :)