This morning's weight: 174.6

Wow. A year to the day since my last entry and my big plans for maintenance.  I did not plan the timing of this, I swear.

I took a break from rigid dieting last year.  I somehow managed to struggle the whole year, but it was still a break.  I am still 100% sugar free.  I still steer away from white flour products.  I sort of avoid eating anything but clean,  but therein lies the trouble.

I found myself taking "little tastes" of things my husband had in the house: crackers, cheese, pepperoni, the homemade pizza dough I make for him every couple of weeks.  Those little tastes did me no good, I can assure you.  I also went way crazy with fruit, especially raisins (taken by the mouthful, or along with spoonfuls of natural peanut butter)  and bowls of frozen mixed fruit covered in chocolate baking powder and stevia. 

I think that most people without food issues would look at my idea of treats and say "uh yeah that is all healthy stuff...".  Yes it is, for most people.  But I have to face the facts.  I have food issues so I overeat.  And I have severe metabolic issues, so 1600 calories a day makes me gain weight (yes I am on meds, but it doesn't change my calorie reality).

The end result is that I gained 31 pounds over the course of 2012 when I was supposed to be maintaining.

I can chalk it up to a learning experience I think (hell, something good has to come out of it, right?).  Things I learned:

• My brain has a mind of it's own if I am not being strict
• I experience what I can only refer to as a fugue state where I don't have control over what I am putting in my mouth
• Counting calories is a pain in the ass, but the only way I have of corralling myself
• If I am not thinking about food most of the time (what I am going to eat, what I can't eat, the reasons for eating, the reasons for not eating) then I am unconsciously snacking
• 1400 calories or thereabouts is my maintenance level of calories (how freaking sad is that)
• I can't talk myself into being good one day here or there, or letting myself have treat days here or there : I am an all or nothing girl
• dieting is tiring, but if I want to stay healthy, I need to keep at it
• trying to talk myself in to being good doesn't work right away; something needs to click for me to be able to move forward. I don't know what that thing is.  It just happens.

 After months of me nightly berating myself and telling myself that "today was the last day I am overeating and I am going back to my strict way of dieting" it finally clicked last week and I am back to being strict again.  In fact, at least for now, I am stricter than I ever was in the past.  

I got on the scale last week and it was flickering between 181 and 178 (maybe my scale needs new batteries...).  I have put myself on a 900* calorie allowance until my stomach shrinks and my body finishes detoxing all the crap it has accumulated.  I have had a mild headache for 5 straight days now, but I have confidence it will pass.  I am already down to 174.6, most of which I know is a combo of water weight and my cycle coming to an end.  But there is a confidence boost and positive feedback I crave to keep going another day.

Right now, all I really want is to feel good again.  I am feeling puffy for lack of a better word.  My fingers feel pudgy.  I am having a harder time crossing my legs.  My favorite pants are hugging my thighs to the point I don't want to wear them as I feel they may tear.  My wedding ring is tight enough that it is sweating under the band and causing a skin reaction.  I am snoring more.  I am sleeping on my arms again and they are falling asleep / pins and needles pain up to the elbow and keeping me up all night. So in the immediate, my goals for re-losing are to feel better.

Once I am back to not feeling rolly-polly, I need to figure out some goals other than to "look good" at the wedding I am in come October.  Which,of course, I do want to look good.  Oh and I want to run again.  That has fallen to the way side a bit, and now it is too cold and too dark to start training up.  I'd like to start mountain biking this spring/summer.  It will be better on my old lady knees.

I have always thrived on goals during this process, so I definitely need to work on some of those.

I'll have to go through and update some of the pages on this blog.  I know I have a couple of people who poke their heads in, but mostly this is my personal log of this journey I am on.  I need to update my goals and want to add a page of meal plans that I can refer to when I forget what a 900 calorie day looks like.

Anyway, until next time (and hopefully that will be way sooner than January 3 of 2014!)...

*How did I come up with 900?  If 1400 is my maintenance, and I want to lose a pound a week, I need a 500 a day deficit. 500 x 7 = 3500 calories = 1 pound.  Of course, with severe hypothyroidism, 3500 calories for me is probably only half a pound or whatever, but since I don't have a scientific lab set up in my garage for testing my exact numbers, I just have to go with the generally accepted knowledge.