Random NSV catch-up

I had a "bad" loss last week, only -1.6, which I know is dreamy to most people, but I have been having such a great rate of weight loss that this smaller loss makes me feel funny.  Add that to a change in my thyroid meds (it looks like I have been taking too much since January, which probably accounts for the higher rate of loss, and now that it has been adjusted, my losses will probably be smaller from here out BOO).

So, with that in mind and as a way to keep me on track, here is a list of recent NSVs!  (Some of which I am going to be really non-descriptive about as it is really personal and more for me to remember, ha!):

• I can cross my legs, albeit I do have to use my leg muscles to hold it there.  I can put my foot on my knee though, both sitting and standing!
• Doc informed me on Monday I am not diabetic anymore as of 4/28/10. This is HUGE
• While in the shower, I can reach places I couldn't (easily, and without acrobatics anyway...) before
• More fun husband-y things have become available.  weeeeeeee
• I got a size 14 skirt! And wore it to work yesterday!  It has an elastic waistband, but whatevs.
• My 18/20 jeans are getting loose in the thighs and waist.  Not time to trade down yet, but I'm getting there
• Been getting some more compliments lately.
• Above skirt was from Target, and still in the woman's section, but the smallest size in the woman's section.
• Last night I had my arm resting on my hips when laying on my side and I felt my hip bone.  CRAZY
• I can trim my toenails without having to hold my breath while sitting at a crazy angle and sort of approach the toes from the side and hope I get a straight cut
• My wedding band is getting super loose.  Ive caught it in the middle of my finger once or twice now.  Gotta be careful.
• My Uggs are no long cutting off the circulation in my calves. They are actually loose on them and I have been wearing them more.  And I can walk in them all day long and not have sore feet
• Not having sore feet in general, for me, is amazing considering I have had bad feet for FOREVER
• I'm catching men looking at me now, and not with the curiosity of someone looking at a circus freak.  There is attraction there.
• Had to get rid of some more clothes that are simply too big to wear in public.  My favorite jammie bottoms are about to be lost forever.  I will miss them.  Shopping time soon! I'm still waiting for the July trip though to make wardrobe purchases.

I suppose that is enough for now.  Good stuff to reflect on when the stupid scale is slower than optimal.
 

Changing Body Image

I feel like I am not obsessing on the weight loss so much these days.  I think this is a a really positive turn of events.  The last 4+ months I have been thinking my body and numbers on the scale almost constantly.  I have also stopped thinking about food ALL the effing time.  It has always been the case with me that if I was not actively eating, I was thinking about what I could eat next.  With my lifestyle change, I was still thinking about food all the time, just healthier food, what I was going to make, and did I have enough healthy alternatives in the house to make sure that if I got the munchies I would be taken care of.

I havn't even been bothering getting on the scale more then 2-3 times a week lately, whereas I was on that stupid thing at least once a day at the beginning.  Good stuff!

I am starting to have body image issues though.  Don't scoff! I have been morbidly obese my entire adult life and I came to a very comfortable place with myself with the "I am who I am" approach and when I looked at the mirror, I didn't see a fatty, I just saw me and didn't think about the rolls of flesh.  When I look at the mirror now, all I see is the roll of flab around my middle, and the dropping pockets of fat at my inner thigh, and how fraking big my upper arms are.  I miss my innocent self that could look in the mirror and just say, "hey there is me!" and instead says "Jupiter's cock! you are so fat still and you have lost 72 pounds!".  Sad. 

I was talking to a woman in my office (one of my biggest supporters in this journey actually.  Between my two office mates who are also watching their figures, and all the folks at 3fc I have the raddest support system) about clothes. I am close to needing the next size down again.  I am going to try to wait until July when I go out of town.  I am guessing I will firmly be in the next size down then and I can splurge and buy a few nice outfits.  

Anyway, office mate and I were discussing Good Will as an option and I expressed my concern that I didn't think Good Will would have a decent variety of plus sized clothing.  She looked at me funny and informed me that when I am one more size down, I am no longer going to be plus sized.  Why this struck me as so crazy, I don't know, but it did, and it does.  Where the hell am I going to shop! I've been in exclusively Lane Bryant and Torrid for 10+ YEARS.  I checked Old Navy and apparently their XL is actually size 18-20 which is what I am moving out of.  Going to shop at different stores seems really scary to me.  I can't wrap my head around it.  Am I ridiculous?  My little safety bubble (of fat, as it were) is slowly being honed away and I feel at a loss.

Another Day

The cold spell has snapped.  I think.  That or I am learning my lesson about keeping my scarf on at all times and consuming copious amounts of hot tea.  It is also TOM and I have noticed I have not been as cold since the day that started.  Maybe that is responsbile for my warmth. Another day or two and I will be able to tell if that has anythign to do with it.

I was supposed to go get my blood tested today for lots of things including but not limited to: blood sugar levels, Vitamin D deficiency, thyroid hormones, cholesterol and who knows what else.  All I know is there were were no less than 15 check marks on the order form.  But, said order form is at home (I hope) so tomorrow will be another morning fast without my black tea to wake me up on my drive in.  Bad news, that.  And then on Friday is an MRI to look at my liver tumors (benign, and discovered over 4 years ago) which are probably related to estrogen.  I have been on progesterone only birth control since then so at the very least, I hope they haven't grown and I am hoping to see diminished size.  I also have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease.  With a 69 pound weight loss so far, I'm really hoping this is starting to fade as well.

So sex is getting better.  It was always awesome, but its really fun to be able to do stuff and reach stuff easily that previously needed fat-acrobatics to accomplish.  And while that is as far as I am going into details with this, I will add that health reasons aside, the sex is reason enough to drop some weight.  Also, I love my husband.  A lot.

I am starting to see changes in my face with my own eyes too.  I haven't really seen any body changes although my clothes and people tell me that there are big differences.  When I see them with my own eyes is when it "counts"  so seeing it has given me a super positive attitude the last few days. 

My attitude goes up and down.  Sometimes "only" losing 12 pounds a month makes me really sad and I have to talk myself out of being angry with myself.  "It took 36 years to get to 332, give yourself some time to get down to a reasonable level," says I to me.  I've only had that happen a couple of times really. I don't like it. 

I also really really wanted to be down 100 by the time we go to Boise on July 9, but there is no way that is going to happen.  I am 262 now,  I'll probably be 261 by Sunday (260 if I am lucky) and figuring 12 pounds in May and June, that's only down to 236 which leaves 9 days to lose 4 pounds and be able to claim the mighty 100. I know it is only numbers on a scale, but it is a fun goal to think about.  I won't be upset with myself if it doesn't happen since I am being 100% faithful to my change in eating habits. My body is dictating the pace, the rate (or lack thereof) of loss is not some misguided attempt of mine to pass off cheating as  "plateaus" like so many others do.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I have been so frakkin' cold lately.  Right now, I am in my office with silk thermals on under my t-shirt and jeans, and a sweater on, drinking hot tea, and I am still totally uncomfortable.  I see other people on 3fc are posting some of the same stuff right now (weird coincidence) but it is in the thread that I have sworn myself off from until I reach the 100 lb mark so I can't/won't comment there.

I have been dreading the heat of the summer visit to Boise, but with my level of brrrrrrrr lately, I can't wait.  I feel like I am living in the twilight zone even saying that. Weird weird weird.

I didn't bother weighing myself yesterday morning.  I did weigh in this morning, but as expected, it was higher then my Sunday afternoon weigh in.  I don't know why I even bother KNOWING that my weight will not really register much of a loss until Sunday.  Makes me feel OCD.

So I am wearing my newest not-as-fat jeans today.  A Lane Bryant right-fit size 4. I have been trying to find "real" size equivalents and have not had much luck.  All I know is that I was in 7s that were getting on the snug side, and they only go up to 8 in store and they only carry up to size 32 in the stores.  So my best guess is that these are 18/20 or 20.  I'm also wearing a loose 18/20 t-shirt with my thermal underneath.  Who needs a scale when you have clothes that fit in extraordinary ways :)

Repost of a Letter

I was asked today via a very nice  PM on the 3fc boards how I was doing so well on losing weight.  I took some time and wrote out some thoughts I have been having knocking about and haven't put anywhere else.  Since I am lazy as all get out, I am doing a cut 'n' paste job here :)
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What isn't in the blog is that I don't "cheat". At all.  I haven't been tempted even.  When I decided to lose this weight, I went for it 100%.  I don't see the point of doing all of this work but then allowing slips when it is inconvenient for me to stay on my plan.  I started calling this my "sheer force of will diet plan" and I guess that that is how it is turning out.

I think that two of the HUGE reasons that this is really working for me is two-fold (besides not cheating) and that is 1) there is no refined sugar in my diet anymore and 2) I took processed flour products and other refined and starchy carbs out of my diet [ie, plain potatoes and white rice].

The sugar bit is really important; there are tons of studies about sugar in general and about High Fructose Corn Syrup in particular out there that are proving without a shadow of a doubt that they don't burn in the body the same way that other sugars burn.  In essence (and I'm making up the numbers here) 5 calories of HFCS is more like 10 calories.  On top of that, it makes you hungrier!

Sadly, HFCS is in almost everything these days [my husband got a box of mac n cheese and the second freakin' ingredient was HFCS -crazy!].  The fact that I don't eat processed foods (other than yogurt, cottage cheese, cheese, and diet soda) helps me to stay away from it without having to read any labels.

In 2009 I gave up 95% of my sugar intake with the exception of special occasions. In 2009 I gained about 20 pounds.  I looked back and I realized I was replacing sugar in bloodstream with carbs from bread.  When I made that realization, I decided that I had an addiction to the blood-sugar high, so quitting cold turkey was the only way I was going to be able to do this, which is the same way I quit a 16 year smoking habit back in 05. 

Bread is the hardest part for me still.  I have a place I order whole grain, sprouted seed super nutrient loaves of bread from.  I have it very sparingly, but I don't deny it to myself when I have a bread craving coming on.  I think I have been going through 1 small loaf every 2.5 weeks.

That is another way that I don't cheat: I feed all my cravings, in a HEALTHY and REASONABLE way.  When I have a sweet tooth, I make my Banana Nice Cream (I'll add the recipe in a bit so you can have it; it will be under sweet treats), or have a bowl of strawberries with Stevia sweetener drizzled with 1 tablespoon of almond or coconut butter.  If I am crazy freaking hungry and want to eat the whole house, I will make a HUGENORMOUS pot of soup (really easy broth/water/collard greens/lemon/garlic mix) which is mega super tasty, and makes my stomach just ache with how full I can get for 150 calories.  

I get full on veggies; you can eat A LOT of veggies and stay within a set calorie range.  I limit my meat (4 oz or less a day, if I have it at all), fats (less than 7grams when cooking), and grains (usually 1/2 a portion instead of a full portion, or I will skip a few days of grains) to a small percentage of my overall meals (except breakfast where I always have my oatmeal nomnomnom).

Finally, I love to cook, I am good at it, and I have the time to do so.  This would be a lot harder (but not impossible) if that wasn't the case.  But even on limited time you can make healthy choices.

This morning's weight: 272.4

The scale hasn't looked like it has moved at ALL this week.  Sunday I was 272.2 and there I have remained.  Anyone who reads my entries, and anyone who is trying to lose weight themselves know, that this drives me INSANE.  I guess I will just have to wait until Sunday for my normal weigh in time and see if I lost anything this week. 

For the record, I still have not cheated at all on my diet plan.  My calories this week have been spot on (S 1242;  M 1719; T 1491; W 1479; TH 1539 [although looking at it now, running about 100 claories higher a day then I have been in the past - that will be rectified]),even with my having TWO tablespoons of cashew butter on my Banana Nice Cream and Strawberry Sundae last night (happy to give the recipe to anyone who asks.. sugar free, and only 250 calories).

Maybe my sodium has been high this week. I have been nomming on baba ghanoush and hummus, which I made with a fair bit of salt.

In any case, I am headed out after work to go buy some smaller clothes.  I am clearly in the 18/20 size now, and some of that is loose.  Which means even my underpants aren't fitting anymore.  And I need smaller bras.  And I need to get something I can start taking longer walks in.  I am starting to really feel like it is time to start exercising more.  I have a restlessness in me like I need to be moving.  I've order new sneakers for walking.  I am still deciding if I want to get some free weights or a Wii or just walk and start doing chores as exercise.  I hate the idea of wasting so much time in just exercising. I want to be accomplishing something too.  I wonder if there are suggestions for using cleaning as a workout...  (Huh.. it turns out there are)

OK now I have forgotten where I was going with this post. I just got distracted for 45 minutes watching zit popping videos on YouTube. 

In any case: another successful week at least on an intellectual level.  Lets hope the scale says as much Sunday morning!

Keeping Score

This morning's weight: 275.4

Well, the new jeans I just bought are too big (she says with foolish glee).  I knew they were kind of loose when I got them, but the next size down were too tight for comfort to wear and sit at work all day.  I think I will hem them this weekend and just live with it. Walking around in sagging drawers is ridiculous.

I don't have much else to report, honestly.  I haven't strayed from my awesome eating habits - although the goopey cheese dripping off of the husbands pizza last night did give me pause - how could it not.  But then my intelligence kicked in and I started thinking about all the additives and how those crafty bastards are trying to get our money by loading up their food with stuff that the primitive parts of our brain desire, and I refuse to play into their tricks.  So, brain prevailed. 

Common sense: 1 ; Money grubbing "food" processing plants : 0

I hate it when the scale doesn't move, but I try not to dwell on it.  I know I am losing.  I know that I am probably 2-3 lbs lighter if I were to weigh in a little later in the morning like I do on official days.  I feel terrific, my skin on my face feels amazing, and my hair is looking fan-fucking-tastic.  Then Why oh why do those stupid blue numbers make me feel so bad!!?!  Stupid scale.

Common Sense: 0; Scale: 1

One of my little gifts to myself when I reach the 100 lb mark is going to be posting in the 100 Pound Club at 3fc.  The 300+ club is great and people there know what I am going through, but I  think the other forum is more what I am looking for.  But, I am giving myself a goal prize and will resist the temptation to post until then, which is probably 3-4 months down the road.  That's ok :)

Alrighty then.