242.1

Working on something new; stay tuned for more info!

For now, suffice it to say that I gained up to 256, but have lost 14ish pounds since trying to make positive changes again.

I started reading a cool, free, e-book yesterday.  It's so awesome!  I can recommend it for anyone that struggles with food.  And also has a good sense of humor.  It's a little 41 page PDF entitled, "Fuck Calories and Other Dietary Heresies". It is a lovely answer to my angst about counting calories, knowing I probably should, but really really REALLY not wanting to.  The bottom line seems to be: be mindful not only what you eat, and how you eat it.

I tried following some of the tips, and had a successful day yesterday.  No ranting at myself!  That is a huge positive :) . I guess we will know in a few days if it is making a difference when I do a 1-week weigh in on Tuesday.

I have so much on my mind, I don't know where to start or how to make this post sound like anything sensical.  You will just have to bear with whatever it is that I manage to spew out. =)

I spend a lot of time beating myself up over what I have eaten.  Yes, I have been doing that since the day that I stopped losing weight and slowly started gaining (a lovely grand total of 82 pounds gained since winter 2011. Pathetic).

These self-punching-bag sessions usually start at about 4am when I inevitably wake up in the morning (with an hour and a half to spare grrrrr).  Horrible thoughts just start spinning around - why did you eat that?  Why couldn't you control yourself?  Why did you not count calories like you promised yourself you would?  Why?  why WHY?  Fast-forward to that very evening and I am at the peanut butter jar again. It is an ugly, viscous cycle that I have been trying to get a handle on for 3 fucking years, and I have been failing all along.

Some good things though:  I am still sugar-free.  And I am very very low carb still - no bread, no rice, no potatoes, the only fruit I eat is berries, sparingly, and only the lower carb veggies (so no carrots or red peppers etc).  I have had 1 "cheat" weekend in an effort to rev up my metabolism (fail...) and I think 2 other occasions where I ate crackers.  Other than that, I am on track with WHAT I eat.  I know the problem is HOW MUCH I eat of everything that is on my "ok" list.

I am hoping that knowing the problem and attempting to address it will help me in getting back to the healthier person I was 3 years ago.  I think the other part of my problem is a lack of accountability.

First and foremost, I don't hold myself accountable "in the moment"; this accountability always come out in the aforementioned middle-of-the-night ranting..  So,  I need to work on being in the moment when I am about to eat something and really deciding if I need it, if I want it, or am just on autopilot and shoving food down my throat out of habit.  I fear that this is really the root of my problem.  I am convinced I have a mental condition that just wants me to put food in my mouth and damn the consequences.

Second, keeping track of calories is hard. And annoying.  And I am terribly lazy.  I worked sooooo hard in the years I was losing weight, tracking every morsel and all.  It wore me down to a nub.   I have my breakfast and lunch (during the work week) down to a science.  I have exactly 522 calories every day before leaving for home in the evenings.  I have been on this schedule for about a month now and it is working.  I am hoping that I can commit to myself to track calories for just the half day after I leave my office.

Third, when I was losing the weight in the first place, I not only had TONS of goals (now I only have 1: get back to where I was) but I also had these mean little thoughts about "proving" my mom and my doctor wrong that I would never lose weight.  So, there was a lot of outwardly-directed anger that was actually pretty helpful.  Now all my anger is directed inward and I feel like that is working against me.

So, as of this morning my plan is pretty simple: 1) stay in the moment when eating, and 2) count the calories that make it into my mouth while 3) being accountable, not angry, at myself and 4) lean on the support that I have been ignoring for the past years i.e. 3FC threads.  and maybe 5) come up with some goals.

Now I am tired and feel spent, really thinking about all of this and then writing it all down.

One day at a time I suppose.

If anyone out there is actually reading this, I could use any support you feel like giving :)

Some measurements for posterity!

This morning's weight: 201.8 (but 207 at the docs 6 hours later.  Bodies are the silliest)

5/28/14 Cholesterol 188
5/28/14 123 / 82
8/12/14 Electrolytes all came back within normal range
8/12/14 Calcium 8.7 (too low by .1)


I haven't yet gone over 50 net carbs, but I also haven't met my calorie restrictions; I am having too much fun with cream :( After so many years of no fat, its like perma-party up in here.

I better crack down if I want to see some actual weight loss...

Keto Calculator

This morning's weight: 203.8

I went to http://keto-calculator.ankerl.com/ to get my goals, and this is what it looks like for me:

 personal macros:

1325	kcal Daily Calorie Intake
40	g Carbohydrates (12%, 160 kcal)
80	g Protein (24%, 320 kcal)
94	g Fat (64%, 845 kcal)

here is a visual representation of  macros and  deficit. The size of each area is correctly scaled based on my ratios.

Weight Maintainence	Your Target	Deficit
1892 kcal	1325 kcal	567 kcal

Oy Vay

This morning's weight: 203

Things have been rough.  It's been another year.  I am giving something else a shot.

My foot injury put me in a funk and I grew tired of measuring measuring measuring. My weight was up to 212 on 6/30/14 so I went full-hog calorie counting like mad (1000-1200 a day) and exercising 5x a week (C25k and lifting).  I lost 11 pounds in 4 weeks.  Then my brother came to town and I had quite a great time - but I ate all sorts of starches that I shouldn't have and this morning I am 203.

This week I have been obsessively learning all I could about the High Fat, Low Carb lifestyle.  I am fascinated by the research that is currently being done, and the light that is being shed on the old research.  If anyone reading this is interested, I highly suggest you watch the Fat Head documentary and if it grabs your attention the way it did mine, you will be looking up info left and right, too!

So, in the interest of SCIENCE  I am going to use my blog track  any progress I make and how I am feeling.

While I am already pretty much low carb, I don't think I have been keeping myself low enough to be in ketosis.  I think I have a leg-up on most newbie HFLCers because I gave up the sugar and bread years ago. I just have to watch my veggie intake to keep it low as can be, and no more fruit, which is hard.  But, fruit is just nature's candy and spikes blood sugar like mad, so I will have to keep that in mind.  I am also going to keep track of calories for a while.  Since I am watching carbs anyway (switched to MyFitnessPal since there is a great app for it) the calories are right there.  I am shooting for under 1600 a day, but I am not goign to be too hard on myself for the first few weeks while I adjust to actually eating fat.

Carb goals are def under 50, but I am going to shoot for net  20.  I really like my veggies though so that is making me edgy.

Guess we will see...

truckin'

This morning's weight: 188.8

IF is magical.  For real.

I was down to 187.8 as of 9/27 which means I had lost roughly 6 pounds in  3 weeks while eating 1600+ calories a day and binging on cashews like they were going out of style.  For me, that is amazing as I tend to either gain or maintain eating 1600.

Anyway, I went out of town on 10/2 and ate more freely then I usually do (read: I actually ate some bread, and had an entire hamburger AND fries.  That is crazy of me...) .  I came home on 10/9 and my weight was back up at 192.  Here I am, 1 week later, and I am almost back where I started.  So excellent.

I had to remove nuts from my diet (here goes my all-or-nothing nonsense again) because I can't control myself.  I am also trying to hit 1200 calories and stay there during the week.  Weekends I am not even counting calories, just trying to maintain a level head.

I have to admit I have less energy and am more sleepy this week with the calories so reduced.  I really hope that it is temporary.  Time will tell!